Celebrity stories and gossip that make you go "W.T.F?"

Monday, January 02, 2006

Celebrity W.T.F's Volume 119

Mariah Carey says her new year's resolution is to learn how to snow board. She claims she's always been too lazy and has wasted winter holidays in ski resorts because she can't get out of bed on time. Mariah confesses: "This year, I'm going to try snowboarding. For the past six years, I've been trying to learn, but it just isn't happening. I like to sleep until 3pm when I'm on my holidays, and the ski lift closes at 4pm. "

Mariah is all gung ho to try snowboarding now....wait until she realizes that she needs to wear more than a bikini on the slopes. Speaking of slopes has she been to the surgeon yet again? Her breasts seem to be taking over her body these days.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expecting a baby, close pals have revealed. "It's early days yet so they're not announcing it publicly, but anybody can see how thrilled the pair of them are," a friend told the News of the World. "Angelina can't wipe the smile from her face and Brad is being so protective of her. She's had a difficult couple of months feeling sick and ready to faint." Angelina even had a secret scan at Santa Monica's St John's Hospital Health Center in California last month. The source revealed: "She went in wearing a hat and glasses so she wouldn't be recognised. Brad and Angelina have been very secretive. But they were overjoyed after getting the results of the scan. "

Apparently the secret scan was not-so secret after all...Just imagine what the baby will be like. I mean a gene pool like this one...this will be the most beautiful person ever. I bet people get chills just looking at the ultrasound.

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn checked into a California beachfront resort on Christmas Day. The two checked in as "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" in reference to the film that starred Brad and his new lover Angelina. Jen and Vince enjoyed a getaway in a romantic suite at the posh resort and Spa. They were spotted holding hands in the hotel and taking yoga classes together.

I thought these two were headed to splitsville? Now theyre doing downward dogs together?

Jennifer Lopez's planned film musical version of "Carmen" has fallen through. Investors can't be found to risk $50 million on the project for one thing and also the producers are afraid to cast the eager Lopez as Carmen. A source revealed why,
"The fictional Carmen is a slutty Spanish dancer who ends up getting filleted by her spurned lover. The thought is that producers want to keep J.Lo in more family-friendly roles. Carmen is not a sweet, nice girl. This is a piece about a criminal."

So they don't want JLO to portray a whore? The producers must be women. Or gay men.

Ben Affleck is selling his Brentwood, Calif, bachelor pad he bought from rocker Melissa Etheridge in 2004 so he can concentrate on being a family man. Ben and wife Jennifer Garner are focusing on their new daughter Violet who was born December 1st. As for the five-bedroom home it's on the market for $5 million.

Daddy Affleck is really settling down. Wow, selling his bachelor pad now. Jennifer Lopez must be swearing something awful in Spanish right about now.

Toni Braxton is in negotiations to appear naked in men's magazine Playboy but, provided of one condition.... Toni says while she has no problems baring her breasts in the publication, she will not be showing any other regions. She says, "I just can't do the bottom thing because that's really, really intimate and really personal. But boobies, what is it? A dime a dozen. You can buy some for $5,000. Who cares? But the thing down there, you can't really buy that."

You may not be able to buy it...but, you can rent it out for small fortune.

According to Star Magazine, Jessica Simpson's request for a private divorce will be denied. According to the source, a few months back, Jessica & Nick showed up at the L.A. nightclub Privilege, acting like all was well with their union. But while Nick, had his back turned, a source says, his wife was doing some serious flirting with Trace Ayala, 25, (Justin Timberlake's business partner.) Trace apparently put his hand on Jessica's leg and brushed it all the way under her skirt several times! "It was so obvious, anyone could have seen it and Nick just stood there with his back turned. He didn't seem happy to be there all night." claims a source. Reports have also linked Jessica to her Dukes of Hazzard co-star Johnny Knoxville, skateboard star Bam Margera, and most recently Maroon 5's lead singer Adam Levine.

Ooh, sounds like Jessica's been busy. You know how Jessica sang "These boots are made for walking?" Nick should do a cover of the Shania Twain song "Who's bed have your boots been under?"

Kelly Ripa is wasting away to nothing and The National Enquirer has a shocking beach photo showing the pin-thin Kelly on a Caribbean vacation. The bikini she wore exposed a frightening bony chest that shocked others on the beach. An eyewitness told The National Enquirer: "You had to feel sorry for her when you saw the bones in her chest. It made you wonder if anything is wrong with her." Kelly has repeatedly denied being a fitness fanatic and has always said she believes looking after her kids is enough of a workout.

If you look closely at her chest you can see what they are talking about. If you do look - than do so at your own discretion. Don't blame me if you have nightmares.

Kevin Federline released his first song on New Years Eve, Here are the lyrics to the released entitled ‘Popozao’ (which is slang for ‘big ass’ in Brazil) and Kevin's lame attempt to sing in portuguese. "Gatinha sai do chãovai descendo o popozão (hot girl, jump up and downshake your big ass to the floor) bring that brazil booty on the floor up, down, all around work that s**t to this funky sound po po popopozão popozão I wanna see some popozão! po po po popopozão popozão "

Ok, ok, he likes big butts and he cannot lie....which made me wonder......does he think Britney has a big, luscious portuguese like butt? I did a search on google and typed in Britney's ass - and sure enough, all I got was pictures of Kevin himself. Maybe he's singing about himself afterall...he's a big ass.

Although Britney's butt is impressive, it's far too small in Brazillian "Popozao" standards.

Kevin wouldn't know a popozao if it hit him in the face...This is more like it.

An insider has revealed to The National Enquirer that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin know that Gwyneth is carrying a boy. They have a name in mind already. Ready for it? Capone - as in the gansta Al Capone. Gwyneth apparently allowed Chris to pick the name and he went with something he believed had character.

Well, it's better than blueberry or tangerine. I still say Capone's gonna get his ass kicked on the playground.

Avril Lavigne has been cast in "Fast Food Nation," the movie based on the book of the same name. She has a small part in the ensemble cast featuring such veteran actors as Patricia Arquette, Ethan Hawke, Luis Guzman, Greg Kinnear, Kris Kristofferson, and Wilmer Valderrama. Her acting career doesn't end there, she will also appear in "The Flock" opposite Richard Gere and Claire Danes, and provides the voice of an animated possum in "Over the Hedge" from Dreamworks Animation.

Boy, her agent is good!

Mariah Carey sang on Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's. She needs to eat more fibre. She looks constipated....maybe it's the fact she's wearing a dress that was probably last worn on TINY TALENT TIME.

Kylie Minogue looking great after her battle with breast cancer.

Lindsay Lohan on New Year's Eve. Was she sucking on a blue jawbreaker or did she just eat the lump of coal she got for Christmas? What's with her teeth?

Newlyweds Matt Damon and Luciana.

Jessica Simpson looks completely lost. Grocery Shopping must be hard without Nick. Do razor blades have expiry dates? When does organic mean? Why do some cash registers only allow up to 8 items...what if you have 8 and a half??It's so confusing.....

OMG...It's Baby Sean Preston! First picture of him seen publicly with his mom. Don't expect to see him with his dad anytime soon. That photo will be in about 19 years and the two of them will be at a seedy strip club visiting mom...who is working..

Later on Britney was seen playing around. Kevin will be spending much more time at home once he finds out his wife is a swinger....

Newly separated Christina Applegate and new boyfriend Lee Grivas ring in the new year together.

Nicky Hilton checks her blackberry for any messages.

Nicole Richie is now officially smaller than her sunglasses.

Reese Witherspoon and her mini-me, daughter Ava go shopping. How adorable!

Meanwhile hubby Ryan Phillipe out and about.

Drew Barrymore poses for IN STYLE Magazine.

Claudia Schiffer did a shoot for the Spanish VOGUE.

Enrique Iglesias and longtime girlfriend Anna Kournikova still can't keep their hands off each other.

Lindsay Lohan in Miami with her family for the holidays sporting a retro swimsuit look.

Lindsay seen again in a pink number.

Micsha Barton in the pool. Watch out for that huge hairy badger!!!! Oh sorry, that's her boyfriend Cisco Adler.

Leo DiCapprio lounging by the pool. It's times like these he must really regret dumping his supermodel ex.....Gisele Buncheon.

Can you dig it? It's Celine Dion carrying around an orange pail.

Ashley Olsen without her 50 million layers of wretched bag lady clothes. She looks great! She looks so naked though...without her big gulp size Starbucks coffee.

Ahhhh.....Jon Bon Jovi and his son Jacob in St Barts.

Guess who's beach bum?

I thought it was Sandra Bullock or Liv Tyler...shows you how much I know about celebrity bums. It's Marisa Tomei. (My Cousin Vinny)

Guess who this is? I'll give you a hint. The song POPOZAO is definitely NOT ABOUT this bony little ass.

You know it's time for an intervention when a bikini is sagging on a loved one's body. Especially when the bikini is a kid's size 2x. It's none other than Nicole "Lollipop head" Richie.

Ashlee Simpson and her new boyfriend go for a walk.

Clay Aiken french kisses a Giraffe at Busch Gardens.
Also coincidentally the first time the words CLAY and BUSCH were in the same sentence.

Will Smith and wife Jada have a blast in Aspen during the holidays. She is T-I-N-Y....

Real life "O.C" couple Rachel Blisson and Adam Brody leave a restaurant on New Year's Eve.

I guess one of Paris Hilton's New Year's resolutions was to add some more lentils to her diet. She was seen devouring a Black Eyed Pea just after midnight. Paris is all over Fergie and her lovely lady lumps. I suppose she got Paris love drunk off her hump.....suddenly the lyrics all make sense.



Blogger [.a.n.d.r.e.w.] said...

Oh god Kevin's song is so stupid, its just like all the other rap songs... lol. Apparantly no record company wants to take him, gee I wonder why! Any song with that title and his name to it isn't going get any money for anyone, hahaha.

I loved ur little comment about Kevin going to the stripclub with his son when hes 19 to visit Brit working there lmao.

Mariah Carey looks like shes gained weight or something, or really bloated, lol. To much gas maybe... =P

10:42 PM  

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