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Thursday, June 09, 2005

Modern Fairy Tales

Fairy tales were part of all of our childhoods. They entertained us and in some cases taught us life lessons we didn't realize at the time. As a child I loved fairy tales. I decided to take another look at them as an adult. Well, a child trapped in a adult's body and here's what they look like in the modern world.

Hansel and Gretel - Now that I look at this one it was terrifying! Two children lost in the woods who find a trail of candy leading to an old woman's house who plans to eat them or do harm to them.
Hello! The old woman is a pediophile or a murderer! No, they are not all forty year old balding computer geeks. Teach your children that dangerous people come in all shapes, sizes, sexes and ages because in fact they do.

CINDERELLA - A young, beautiful girl is forced to do chores for her ugly stepsisters and mother. One night her fairy Godmother shows up, dolls up Cinderella and sends her to a ball where she meets her prince. Loses her shoe which he uses to track her down and pledge his love for her.
Ok, so today Cinderella's life would of been a whole lot easier with products like the swifter and the Mr. Clean magic eraser. Her ugly stepsisters would of all had nose jobs, breast implants and a profile getting many hits on lavalife. Her fairy godmother would be one of the guys from QUEER EYE. Cinderella wouldn't lose her shoe. Well, maybe just as an excuse to get another pair. Hmmm...that explains the storyline. The only difference is she wouldn't need to wait for any man to rescue her.

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS The heroine, Snow White is put under a spell by her evil stepmother(sounds familliar) who feels threatened by the Snow White's beauty. Once again a prince comes along and it's his kiss that wakes her up from her sleep.
This one is about vanity. The stepmother is so vain she wants sleeping beauty out of the picture. She keeps looking into that mirror and asking it to confirm she is the most beautiful in the land. Older women in those days were has beens at twenty one. We've come a long way baby!! Forty is the new twenty five. Older woman are showing the youngins how it's done and are much more confident in their bodies which adds to their beauty. In today's world the prince would of bypassed the sleeping young girl and went straight to the older one to validate that indeed.......she still is the fairest of them all. Now as for the seven dwarfs? Dopey, sleepy, grumpy.....Were these suppose to prepare us for the mood swings of PMS? And today, Snow White would of discovered tanning salons.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA In this fairy tale the princess once again is under some sleeping spell and lying on twenty mattresses. Under the bottom mattress is a pea that somehow stays intact. I cannot recall this whole story but, I do remember that yet again a prince comes out of nowhere to save her. Do women today need to be saved as desperately? What's the message we keep giving to our daughters?(I don't have a daughter, just figuratively speaking) And exactly how long did this particular princess have to starve herself in order to lay on twenty mattresses and not squish the pea? Aren't women under enough pressure to be thin these days? Throw this book out immediately if you have it.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND I myself have never read this but, I know the premise. A young girl has a dream(Why are the women and girls in these damn stories always out of it?) ends up in some type of wonderland with rabbits and gnomes who seem to be having an outdoor party.
What type of weed was this author smoking? Did they have crack back then? I think I know why Alice was in a "dream like" state and all those rabbits on steroids were so hungry.

THE UGLY DUCKLING About an ugly duckling who is ridiculed, black listed and then becomes a beautiful swan. Today the obvious comparison was that reality show THE SWAN where everyday women who really just need to get on treadmill, put on some lipstick and get a hobby are transformed through plastic surgery to look like blow up dolls. You can see how far we have come since the original fairy tale. Yeah.......right.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS A young girl winds up trespassing in a house which belongs to a family of bears. She eats their porridge, sits in their chairs and sleeps in their beds. In today's world she would of been called a stalker, a home invader or a criminal. Imagine doing something like this at Jane and Finch? Can you say gunshot wounds to the head?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD Sheesh. Another stupid little girl goes into the woods and against all her grandmother's warnings ends up talking to the big bad wolf. Man, women can be stubborn! By the way, the little red riding outfits now come in laytex and come with a horsewhip. Just in case anyone was interested. Ahem, a friend told me.

GEORGIE PORGIE Ok, so this was more of a limerick than a fairy tale but, any boy going around kissing the girls and makeing them cry?? Today Georgie buddy you would get your ass kicked. Kissing or groping an unwilling woman? Nowadays we call it sexual assault. Oh and the other half of the limerick "When the boys came out to play Georgie Porgie ran away." - When Georgie gets put away for harassment he will really be running when the boys come out to play!!

Are people still telling their kids these stories?? Aren't they just a tad outdated and creepy or is it just me?
Mind you I grew up with them and I turned out ok.
Stop laughing.
Writers need to incorporate new fairy tales for children of today or at least update these silly ones. Only then can children attempt to live happily ever after.



Blogger Bernadette said...

My fave has always been Snow White and she Seven Dwarfs...although I would have preferred seven hunks...but then she couldn't remain snow white could she...

Ooops did I just say don't read this!!!

8:02 AM  
Blogger Pseudo-intellectual lunatic said...

great work..keep it up! :)

9:59 AM  
Blogger Pseudo-intellectual lunatic said...

great work..keep it up! :)

9:59 AM  
Blogger glor said...

Here's my version of modern Cinderella:
All throughout her childhood, poor Cindy is told she must be good, go to school, get a job and get married...blah blah blah. Cindy feels trapped in her life but not by housework or poverty, but by the expectations of having a career and family from society. One day, her fairy godmother comes into her life but comes in the form of the ladies from Sex and the City, empowering her that being a woman doesn't have boundaries...blah blah blah. So Cindy buys her own designer gown and shoes, drives her own BMW convertible and off she goes to the corporate ball. There, she captures the attention of all the ogling corporate idiots in suits but astonishes them with her wit and intelligence. She meets a handsome fellow whom she wants to get to know better and so, being the modern fairy tale, she introduces herself and invites him out on a date. Over time, they fall in love and life happily ever after...for 3 years. He ended up being not as successful in his career as he had led her to believe and ended up being fired for being a moron. And since Cindy was blinded by the concept of love, she didn't have a prenup to protect her assets - "cause money doesn't matter when you're in love," she naively said. He feels intimidated by her beauty and success so he leaves her for some trash who has no ambition in life except to keep her breasts from falling below her stomach. He likes this new girl's neediness and files for divorce. He takes half of Cindy's earnings from their three years of fairy tale marraige together and laughs at her to his new prize woman. Cindy feels rejected and humiliated...and doesn't live happily ever after. Oh well, at least she has the convertible and nice shoes.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

What a great post. Buried in these fairy tales is, indeed, our superficial perspective of the world. Does a woman really need a prince to save her? Is an ugly ducking really "ugly?" We begin indoctrinating our children with our weak societal norms at an early age. You are really on to something here. Again, fantastic post.

11:28 AM  

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