Celebrity stories and gossip that make you go "W.T.F?"

Thursday, June 02, 2005

It's a nice day for a ... white wedding

So love is in the air it seems. Bridal shows are in bloom everywhere. The watercooler conversations at work are all buzzing of pending marriages and celebrations. So many people I know are in wedding parties, planning bachelorette parties or deciding on what wedding gifts to give.
This can only mean one thing.
Women everywhere are pulling out their hair, cursing their mother in laws to be and on crazy grapefruit diets to fit into that dress.

Women as little girls dream about their big day. Well, they say you do. I never did. My life aspiring dream as a young girl from a big family was having the house to myself for a night and eating a whole bag of oreo's dipped in cool whip. I am proud to say I have lived out my dream. More than once. It was worth the sore stomach I tell you! Anyhow, my point is that I never had the big wedding dream but, I am the minority. Most women do dream about it as girls. Most women put a lot of effort into making their fairytale become a reality. After all, it only happens once right?
Um, not in my case. I have been married twice. The first time I had the big wedding. Half the people at my wedding I didn't know and the other three quarters I didn't even want there. I borrowed the dress from a friend as I thought I am not spending money on something I am going to only wear once. (Mind you I will drop the coin for a skimpy lingerie number that doesn't stay on me for more than twenty nine seconds - I have my priorities people) My youngest sister basically took over all the planning because I really didn't care. I just wanted it over and done with. It was a big commercial propaganda to me. I barely remember it today and I wasn't drinking so what does that tell you?
My second marriage was much more my style. I jetted off to Barbados on the spur of the moment. Wore a gorgeous white summer prom style gown and my skin was bronzed with sunshine. It was lovely. He was lovely. I was lovely. It was the dream I probably would of had if I was not so obsessed with food in my teens. The best part is that it was all hubby's idea. It was beautiful and perfect.
I am not an expert on marriage as you can see but, from someone who has had both types of weddings let me give you some little tips for anyone you know who may be planning a big mother wedding.

1) I don't care what anyone says nobody is going to remember the little orchid design in the champagne fountain ten years from now. It is not important.

2) For a sure fire eventful wedding, do the seating plan yourself. Ensure you sit people who can't stand each other together. If you get bored you could always glance over and watch them pretend to get along.

3) Another seating tip. Seat your sluttiest, crazy, drunken friend next to your mother in law. She will suddenly realize you are the best thing that ever happened to her son. (And she won't call you those names anymore cuz when she does images of Bambi will flood her mind)

4) Just as Princess Diana did, make your entire wedding party consist of children. They will be adorable and pretty but, none of them will ever compete to outshine you and the goddess that you are. Besides, they'll be in bed by eight and you can have all the pictures be of you.

5) This is the one day of your life you want to absolutely not buy shoes for their "cuteness" factor. They must be comfortable and must be practical. You will be standing in these for hours and dancing your butt off all night. Do you really want to spend your wedding night with your blistered, bloody feet up in the air? Didn't think so.

6) Don't invite that fifth cousin from your fourth removed aunt's side just because your parents want you to. Unless of course they are paying for your wedding. Then you will do exactly as they say. If you are paying? Invite only those people who truly and honestly are happy for you and want to witness you pledge your love to your partner. Even if that means only the two of you show up. That is what the day is about by the way.

7) Everyone is going to tell you how gorgeous you look. Some of them mean it, some of them are just trying to be polite. Don't let it go to your head. Sorry, but, someone's gotta tell it like it is.

8) Go on a honeymoon. Even if it is to Niagara Falls or the downtown Ramada Inn. If you plan on going later, you never will OR you will be accompanied by his mother and your two snotty nosed new additions to your family. (I know this is not wedding related but, you plan the honeymoon when you plan the wedding so remember this)

9) Make sure people aren't waiting too long to eat or drink. This is the one thing they will remember ten, twenty, fifty years from now. If the service at the hall is bad or you make them wait too long to eat soggy rice they may smile sweetly when they see you but, believe me your name is mud. (AND NO - YOU CANNOT MAKE UP FOR THIS AT YOUR OWN GROWN CHILDREN'S WEDDING!!! too late)

10) Have a few people assigned to special duties. That is what they are there for. Example? Make the best man guard the "boosta" box(Where all the money envelopes) are kept all night. You have no idea how many instances I have heard where they went missing. If you place the boosta box beside the bridesmaid with the biggest rack, the best man will do his job. You can have the maid of honor keep track of how drunk your father in law is. This will avoid any embarassing moments where he may try and grope Bambi (You remember her? The bimbo you placed beside your mother in law)
Seriously, your bridal party are there to serve you. Make them earn their titles. It'll also help them keep their mind off the awful tafetta ensemble you have them wearing that adds inches to their hips.

The biggest tip of all? Don't marry to live out a dream. Don't marry to make other people happy or to fill an empty void in your life. Don't marry because you have been with this person for x amount of time and it seems like the next reasonable step. Don't marry because you think this is the best you can do and you can learn to love your partner. Don't marry just because you were asked.

Marry because you simply cannot imagine a single day apart from your partner. Marry because you want this person all to yourself. Marry because the search is over. Marry because this is the only mouth you want to kiss forever and ever. Marry because you are in love and you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. The good, the bad and the ugly. You want it all. Marry someone who will bring out the best in you.

The secret to a dream wedding is easy, if you follow my tips above, now the secret to a dream marriage??? If I knew that I'd be a zillionaire. I do know that when it's right you will know it. It's delicious, it's wonderful, it's abandonment, it's ecstacy. In fact It's like being home alone with a bag oF oreo's and a big tub of cool whip..........



Blogger Nadia said...


Thank you so much for this blog. I have had my share of crazy experiences in weddings, and let me tell you, you are right on so many levels.

Let me tell you about my wedding.

I didnt see my maid of honours outfit until the day before the wedding. Why - I simply didnt care. It was totally unimportant to me. What mattered was the fact that she is my best friend, and we care about each other, and that she was doing this totally amazing thing for me. She was going to be a witness to my marriage. That means more to me that what colour or style she wears.

Rob and I made every single decision about the wedding together. And we did not fight about anything once. Yes - that is totally and completely true. I remember thinking to myself that if this is what my marriage is going to be like, I am very very blessed...and, even though our parents helped us - they left the planning to us. Because, as I heard many times - this is your wedding, and it should be as you want it.

We respected their wishes as for the invites, but to give them credit, we did not invite anyone we didnt know. I knew every person in the room, and could probably even tell you something about them...that is exactly the kind of wedding I wanted.
Our parents never told us that we HAD to invite anyone.

I loved our wedding because we kept it simple - no bridesmaids, no ushers, no flower girl or ring boy. just us and our witnesses, which was perfect.

Just a side note - my dad used to get invites to weddings of people that were KIDS of people that he used to sell cars too...can you believe that? people he had not seen in years....!!! THAT IS NUTS....


8:48 PM  
Blogger Chelsea's Mama said...

Thanks for sharing that. I loved your wedding and I told you that. For all those was lovely.

9:37 PM  
Blogger glor said...

Interesting comments about weddings, especially since I'm such a rookie at wedding and all things wedding related. However, I am the maid of honour to my friend's upcoming wedding and as I was reading your blog...I thought about how much her wedding is so much of what you described - all the negative points for sure. I forwarded your blog to the fellow maid of honour and she found it equally interesting...and we both talked about how the bride-to-be would not be receptive to reading something like this. Not at all, and we weren't about to find out how she would react. I wonder...girls who had the big fancy they feel insulted by something like this? Linda, I know you wouldn't care, but I was just wondering...cause to my friend, the colour of the 2nd table cloth layer is vital and anything to suggest otherwise would probably be an insult to her dream fairytale wedding.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Chelsea's Mama said...

Hey Gloria, yes your friend will not be pleased if you send her this but, then again you didn't write it - I did. What's the worst thing that can happen? You will be denounced of your duties

10:03 AM  

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