A bit about Pitt
So if you missed ABC Primetime last night, Diane Sawyer had a one-hour special in which she interviewed Brad Pitt. For those of you who missed it (WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?) they discussed his new movie, Angelina Jolie, who he claims is NOT the reason for his pending divorce and Diane accompanied him to Africa where Brad is hoping to make a difference in their poor communities.
I decided to interview Brad myself. Well, in fantasyland. Here is my interview with Brad Pitt.
Linda: (Silent and in a daze)
Linda: (Silent and drooling)
Brad: "Hi there?"
Linda: (Smiling stupidly and twirling her hair with her finger)
Brad: "Linda is it? Linda are you ok??? Linda??"(Looking around the room desperately at the crew) "Does she talk? Is she ok or what?"
THE GAY MAKEUP ARTIST "ROMAN" COMES OVER AND WHACKS LINDA ON THE HEAD AND YELLS
"GET A GRIP WOMAN! C'MON! EVEN I CAN FORM A SENTENCE RIGHT NOW!"
Linda : "Um, sorry, um, sorry, so sorry, ok Brad? May I call you Brad?"
Brad: "You can call me whatever you want honey" (Winking)
Linda: (Blushing furiously trying not to faint while turning a lovely shade of tomato red) "um.... Um, where was I?"
Brad: (smiling) "yes, you can call me Brad"
Linda: (melting) "Ok, then, um, ok, um Brad your latest movie entitled Mr. and Mrs. Smith has just um, been, um, released. What can you tell me about this movie?
Brad: "I can tell you that you will love it."
Linda: (giddy and now losing colour) "Yes, I am sure I will!!"
Brad: "I am very proud of this film. It is unlike any character I have ever
played before "
Linda: "Are you, um, naked in this film? "
Brad: (smiling coyly) "Well, aren't you a naughty girl!! No, not fully naked
but, lots of love scenes where I am semi naked. "
Linda: "Ah yes, With Angelina? What was that like?
Brad : It was great but completely choreographed. Meant nothing."
Linda: " So you are not involved with her romantically then? "(with a twinkle in her hopeful eye)
Brad: "Angelina and me? The last thing I would call it was romantic! I like
her and admire her work and she is hot. What more can I say? "
Linda: "I know. She is hot isn't she?? Even I want a piece of that..(Turning another shade of red and covering her mouth) I didn't mean that, what I meant um, was, um, she is pretty "
Brad:"Oh you meant it baby, you know you meant it"!(embedding his blue eyes into Linda's suddenly boring brown ones)
Linda: "So what happened with what's her face? "
Brad: "You mean Jennifer Aniston? "
Linda: "Oh her.......yeah what happened?"
Brad: "We just had different roads we wanted to travel for a future. I still love her. But, I love her like a friend "
Linda: "Yeah, but, let's face it you ain't no Ross or Chandler!"
Brad: "What are you saying? I am a Joey? "
Linda: "You are so not Joey!! No, no!! You are smart and cute and lovely and so cute and buff and cute and handsome and heavenly and cute and sexy and clever and Sexy!!!! Nobody compares." (Gay make up artist "Roman" hands Linda some tissues to wipe her salivating mouth)
Brad: "Thanks for that. I am pretty hot aren't I?" (Trying to look in makeup artist "Roman's" mirror)
Linda: (Nodding like a bobblehead on speed) Uh Huh!!!!
Linda: "No problem - so you didn't just get sick of Jennifer did you? Or even worse did she get sick of you? There is no hope for anyone if she was sick of you? We should all just pack it in now for the love of........"
Brad: "No, nothing like that. Please move on with this topic - I already have. "
Linda: "Um, so what's with Africa?"
Brad: "I want to make a difference to those people"
Linda: "How come Diane got to go to Africa but, I was never asked to accompany you for this interview?"
Brad: "You're hot, she's not. I knew if I took you along those poor orphans would be starving still. I would never of made it to the camp. Diane was safe. She is nice but, not my type. Not my type at all."
Linda: (Splashing water on her face) "Um, yeah, well ok then"
(Long pause while they get lost in each other's eyes)
Brad: "So then, anything else you want to know about Africa?"
Linda: "Yes, um, Are you adopting a child from there? "
Brad: "Possibly "
Linda: "Have I mentioned how much I adore children? Especially black children? When do you plan on doing this? "
Brad: "Not sure, just thinking about it right now. In fact I want to start a family. "
Linda: "Um, I am sure you have women lined up to help and many men also, now that I think about it but, then again, those men cannot give you what you want, um, I mean a baby. Well, you can do that with a man but, then you need to adopt and um, you know, the woman, well, um, you like women don't you? "
Brad: "WTF do I look like - Tom Cruise? You know what? You just crossed a line "
Linda: "Sorry, um, I am trying to contain myself, I am so overly a fan of yours and um, had all these great questions to ask but, now I am, um, completely Pitt struck and I, um, am becoming, um, a babbling idiot. Um, sorry. "
Brad: "That's ok babe. I am actually enjoying this. You are some kind of woman I tell ya. It is very flattering how you are falling all over yourself for me. I am just surprised you have not fallen out of your seat."
Linda: "That's because they restrained me to the chair. Didn't they have to restrain Diane Sawyer? "
Brad: "No. Mind you they had to restrain Dan Rather once. "
Linda: "Oh."(And then breaks out into giggles that are similar to that of a love stuck fourteen-year-old girl)
Brad: "Do you want to see my chest and then maybe get some ice cream? "
Linda: "DO I? DO I?? Yes, yes oh God Yes! "
Brad: "Ok, but the camera goes off then. Besides, I got my own camera if you know what I mean "
Linda: (YELLING AT THE CAMERAMAN) "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SHUT IT OFF! NOW!" as she throws a brick at the camera man.
Fade to black.
Yeah, that's just how it would of happened.
It never will however because I am quite happily married to a wonderful man who loves me dearly. Too bad for you Brad. You'll have to settle for Angelina.
CUZ I SAID SO!!