Celebrity stories and gossip that make you go "W.T.F?"

Friday, June 24, 2005


These are my latest celebrity W.T.F's.
W.T.F's stand for What, Who, Why, When the F___ .(Insert your own word here - I think we all know what mine is)

W.T.F saw that video where the papparazi squirt Tom Cruise in the face with a water gun? They arrested four men in connection to this "prank". The police are still looking for a fifth accomplice. Some tall, very skinny, blonde woman who was in the background twitching her nose??? Hmmmm.

W.T.F would Madonna give her 9 year old daughter Lourdes a credit card with a 10,000 limit to teach her the value of money? All you are teaching her is to be a Material Girl mom. Tsk Tsk!! In order to teach her the value of the money she needs to actually be accountable with paying the bill!

W.T.F was Oprah doing shopping at Hermes in Paris? If you don't know they apparently turned her away at the door because they were closed. The only shocking part of this story is that Oprah does not have someone to shop for her.

W.T.F kind of pressure is on Vince Vaughn? Rumor has it he is dating Jennifer Aniston. How does one even dare to compete with her ex? It's like for us someone after they have been with a woman with Halle Berry's face, Jessica Simpson's body and Oprah's money. Good luck Vince - give ya props for trying!

W.T.F is the press making a big deal out of Prince William graduating from St Andrew's with higher marks then his dad Prince Charles graduated with?
How smart could stupid Charles be? Prince William could fail I am sure and STILL beat his dad's grades.

W.T.F do you think will wear the white dress when Portia Di Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres get married this summer? My bet's on Portia. I don't think it should be white though. (She's like the town know, everybody's had a ride)

W.T.F was surprised when Marc Anthony and J-LO celebrated their one year anniversary earlier this month? Oh, and J-LO announced she is coming out with a new line of jewellery for dogs.
Chelsea honey, mama's getting you some bling bling!

W.T.F is Vanity Fair planning on re-doing the famous pregnant Demi Moore cover except with Britney Spears? When Demi did it - it was ground breaking. Britney, not so much. You see when you spend years walking around half naked nobody cares that you are naked on a magazine cover. Hopefully Britney will at least wash her feet and scrape the orange cheesie stuff out of her nails before the big shoot.

W.T.F won't Melanie B a.k.a. "Scary Spice" agree to reunite with the other four spice girls for the LIVE 8 concert?? Apparently she had a big hissy fit and is refusing to co-operate for this wonderful cause. As scary as she is acting she really suits the name "BABY SPICE" now. Have another tantrum there Mel.

W.T.F has a hope in hell with self confidence with the future gene pools on their way? Handsome Leonardo DiCaprio and his supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen are thinking of having a baby. How will regular mortal children ever measure up to a possible creation from these two? ESPECIALLY if Angelina and Brad ever breed. Mind you if God has a sense of human, which I think she does, these insanely beautiful couples will have trolls for babies.

W.T.F is going to be Ashlee Simpson's new manager? She fired her dad as her manager. It has been speculated that he is too busy managing Ashlee's sister Jessica to manage Ashlee. I think that Ashlee finally realized how creepy her preacher father is and decided to run for the hills. (He once made comments about his daughter Jessica's double d's that were inappropriate)
Ashlee should hire Michael Jackson as her new manager. Yes, he is even creepier but, he knows the business and thinks that double d's are two patty burgers they have at MacDonalds. Plus I hear he's looking for work.


Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Happy Birthday Edite!!

Today is my sister Edite's birthday. I think she is 32 - again. Anyhow, I meant to call her this morning but, it was a very rare day that I actually went to work early to set up and help at our company barbecue. I was busy setting up the barbecue and forgot to call. I dashed inside to my desk at around 11am to send her an email but, completely once again was sidetracked by my ever pressing bladder which needed to be emptied.
I got home early and took the dog for a long walk. My hubby's sister called our place tonight which was about something important so I talked to her for two hours.
Still have not talked to Edite. So here I am. Dedicating a blog to wish my sister a Happy Birthday!

I just want to take this opportunity to Thank You for:

1) Perfection - you used to make lemon meringue pies in abundance for us when we were growing up. Until now I have not tasted one that comes close to yours. In fact I have given up trying.

2) Acceptance - When you were a teen and in your early twenties you took Suzy, Nancy and I with you and your friends everywhere you went even though you didn't have to. Too bad then when you met John - because of daddy - you unwillingly were forced to bring one of us with you as a chaperone. Hey, if you makes you feel any better we weren't thrilled to have to tag along like a fifth wheel.

3) Hard Work - Remember how you used to pay me fifty cents to massage your feet for you?? I used to smile all the way to the candy store. You also got me my first job at the dry cleaners when I was 13. Obviously that was when they had NO child labour laws in effect.

4) Laughter - You laugh like you mean it. Everyone should laugh like you!

5) Inspiration - The way in which you love your family. You are a great wife and superb mother. A superb mother DOES know and care where her daughter is at ALL times. Take your hand reach it over your shoulder........yep, give yourself a pat on the back.

I know it's not a phone call, too late to send you a card and I am sure you received a lot of emails. I remember you told me that every morning at work you click onto my blog page and read my latest blog with your coffee. So how appropriate to wish you well using this medium.

Please accept this blog as my Happy Birthday wish to you!


Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I know what you did last summer.

You complained it was unbearable on the muggy days.(Even though all winter you wished for warm weather)
You cursed as you shimmied your way into those shorts that "shrunk in the wash"
You changed the pretty color on your toes a few times to match your outfit.
You bought a hair product to battle frizz and it worked like a charm until you got outside.
You grew callouses because of those pretty yet cheap sandals you bought at an end of summer sale and those callouses were totally worth it.
You heard children laughing more than you ever have
You spent hours washing your car in the driveway only for it to rain that very night.
You bought a beautiful new bathing suit and then never wore it. (Too many fat days)
You did however get a lot of use out of that cheap baseball cap you bought (Too many bad hair days)
You regretted that one time you forgot to put on sunscreen. Ouch!
You accidentally discovered a wasps nest in your backyard. Ouch!
You walked around the neighbourhood and suddenly realized how beautiful it was
You tried that sunless tanning cream for the first time at a party and at least eight people came up to you and thought you dropped barbecue sauce on your feet.
You had mosquito bites in places you didn't think mosquitos knew about.
You had barbecued chicken almost every night and never complained once.
You stepped in doggie doo doo and used a swear word that you said you never would.
You ate fruit in abundance to be healthy and followed it up with an icecream cone to treat yourself for being so good.
You appreciated modern technology suddenly. Air conditioners for example
You spent a lot of time with your family eating enough food to sustain a small third world country.
You stopped to smell the flowers.

And if you didn't do these things, now's your chance.
Summer is last!!


Monday, June 20, 2005

Things that go bump in the night

I spent my weekend tossing and turning at night. I was unable to shake the memory of what happened to me on Friday evening. It was close to midnight and I was asleep with my precious fur child Chelsea beside me. I suddenly was awakened by a noise on the roof close to my window. Chelsea stirred and looked at me like "Well, aren't you going to do something?" So, I reluctantly got out of bed and went to the window. I drew the curtains and stood face to face with a raccoon. Right at the window!! Like a scene from a horror movie, I walked backwards yelling out to hubby. Hubby was downstairs watching television. He comes upstairs and I show him the raccoon which is still standing on the roof. Hubby runs downstairs and outside. I peer out the window with Chelsea clinging to my arms. Hubby is running toward the roof carrying a rake. He is trying to shoo the raccoon. It is not budging. Hubby hits the roof with the rake. Once, twice.... no movement. Finally he hits it again and unknowingly hits the raccoon on the back. It will be a long time before I forget the grunt that came out of that raccoon. I open the window and yell. "You hit it! Run! It is mad!" I hear hubby come back inside. Meanwhile the raccoon is looking at my precious fur child through the glass and I like it is going to attack. Out of complete desperation I hiss like a cat. This works! The raccoon jumps from the roof to the tree in front of our house using a branch. I yell down to hubby. "It's gone, it's on the tree".
We realize that the raccoon is after some berries that literally grew on this tree overnight. Hubby goes back out against my warning. It is dead quiet until I hear something I have never heard before. Hubby is screaming. I look out the window and see him running and throwing the rake in the air. He comes back inside. Chelsea and I go running down the stairs. "What happened?" I ask.
He tells me he went to shake the tree and FOUR raccoons fell out of it.

So stupid me spends all Saturday evening googling raccoons on the net. It is illegal to kill any form of wildlife. Had to cancel the gun order I placed. You can buy things such as powder which smells like coyote urine. (They are terrified of coyotes) Or you can hang moth balls in nylon on trees. You can also soak rags in ammonia to deter them from coming on to your property. A lot of this stuff works but, it is only temporary.

Anyhow, Hubby trimmed the tree so that none of the branches reach the roof. Although that is a small consolation I still am worried. I read that the females weigh on average 30lbs and the males 40lbs. My dog Chelsea is 13.4 lbs!!! We don't let her out alone at night and now for sure we won't!!

I also learned that raccoons are the number one carriers of rabies and distemper (Distemper would kill a dog - thankfully they are vaccinated against this). Raccoons are not afraid of humans no matter what anyone tells you. In their eyes WE are the pests. They are destructive, carry disease and nest in sheds, attics, basements.........I shudder to think about that. Raccoons eat the fish out of people's ponds. Although studies show they don't usually attack cats or dogs they will feed off anything that is dead. Hey, to me if those suckers eat the crap in the garbage - IF THEY ARE HUNGRY ENOUGH they will eat a small animal!

This is a very serious problem. While you are in bed at night they are roaming your neighborhood. They are supposed to be nocturnal creatures but, IF HUNGRY ENOUGH will come out during the daylight hours. Just what we need!

Please Please Please - DO NOT FEED RACCOONS. No matter how cute you think they are. Trust me they won't be so cute when they give you rabies or chew your roof off. Also your neighbors may not be fans of the critters.
Please secure your garbage. Raccoons are ambidextrous and can open latches and unscrew lids. Don't put your garbage out until the MORNING of the collection day.
Don't leave food lying around after a barbecue or backyard event.

Please do your part to make me sleep better at night! If you can't then at least buy me a coyote!


Friday, June 17, 2005

Fast Forward

Let's go to the year 2015. Play along now. Imagine the world as we know it ten years from now. It is really not that far in our future but, with all the technical advances and scary scientific experiments in the works it may be a whole different world.

My predictions for 2015 (Imagine me in a gypsy get up looking into a smoky crystal ball)

Osama-Bin-Hiding will be found. He will be incoherent, mumbling and playing with a G.I. Joe doll.

JK Rowling will come out with her 12th Harry Potter book entitled HARRY POTTER AND HIS MYSTICAL MORALS. This bestseller will deal with Harry's pending divorce with Ginny Weasley and his addiction to japanese porn.

Toddlers will learn how to rap before they learn how to talk. Their first words will be things like "I drool like a fool and like to drop a stool cuz it makes me a stinky fool but, hey I am cool "
Parents think they have it tough now.

The government will FINALLY stop making us pay taxes. Instead of tax everytime you buy something you will pay a fee to make up for not paying tax. The fee will be 50% of your purchase. The very least you can do as a citizen.

A typical family day out will involve a tour of the planets in space, a chance to go travel through a time machine or the option of changing your entire family's identites completely. By 2015 it will be considered lazy to just go and steal someone else's identity.

Men will be able to give birth. None of them actually will however and suddenly stocks in viagra go down so dramatically it is pulled from the shelves and discontinued.

Anyone who ages without surgery, has their own breasts or any cellulite is a freak of nature. The more surgery the better. Think Joan Rivers and Michael Jackson mixed with a dash of Priscilla Presley.

Everyone will be the same colour. Due to the fact there will be no ozone layer left.
Hope you all like fuschia.

Fashion trends? Nun habits and burkas will be hot items! By 2015 everyone will be sick of today's "Why imagine when I can just show you how I am naked" look. I wonder what the REAL prostitutes are wearing these days?

ATM's will be replaced with superhero booths. You will have to go into the booth transform into whatever your alter ego may be and do a good deed for every twenty bucks you need. (A girl can dream right?)

The Subway and or busses will be $8.25 per fare and that will include a hit of demerol to make the ride home a little more bearable. (I think people would pay this! I know I would) The drivers will strike because they will be exempt from having any demerol themselves and will find this unfair.

Howard Stern will still be annoying and ugly. Even with all that surgery.

There will be no more war, no guns, no bombs, no weapons. Women will be running the free world. When a particular president or prime minister is PMSing they will have stand ins for that short time. Kind of like the runner up in the Miss Universe pageant. That way countries will continue to work together in harmony.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will have two children naturally as opposed to adoption. 48 percent of the entire world's population will pay for the precise DNA composition to produce the same children genetically. 31 percent of people will purchase a clone of one of these children and the other 21 percent of the world will not be able to afford it but, Brad and Angelina will visit these impoverished communities and give them the money to make their dream come true. They will however visit these places separately. No, they won't still be together. Get real!!!!

Some things never change


Thursday, June 16, 2005


I wrote a brilliant blog last night. About summer. It was such a feel good blog and then I went to submit and instead I deleted it.
I cursed like a banshee. I used words which meanings I don't even know what they mean. They sure sounded nasty though.
I deleted it because I was too busy eating a big chocolate icecream cone that hubby made me complete with a flaky chocolate bar stuck in the middle of it. I was so consumed with my ice cream cone that I was not paying attention.
This experience and my realization that my keyboard at home has gotten sticky forced me to stop eating at my home computer.
So anyhow, I freaked out and hubby came running upstairs to see what was wrong. I told him about my dilemma where I erased my blog. He very matter of factly said to me "Well, you should of saved it"
Thanks Sherlock for your help. God love him.
So I finally calmed down, had another ice cream cone, the rest of the chocolate in the house and a few potato chips. I don't even really like potato chips but, this is how I deal with stress.
I then tried to duplicate the brilliant summer blog but, I could not. So if in the next few days I write a lame summer blog trust me when I tell you this is NOT going to be the same one I wrote originally.
Please save documents as you are writing them so you will not have the same unfortunate episode that I experienced. Everything happens for a reason I guess. At least I learned from this!! I learned to save, No more eating at the computer and I also learned that chocolate icecream mixed with cool whip and chocolate bar chunks is worth losing a brilliant piece of writing.


Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The Verdict is in

Yesterday the verdict came in for the Michael Jackson trial. Not guilty on all counts. I am one of the few people I know who maintained that Michael Jackson was not guilty. Let me make it clear that I am not a Michael Jackson fan. I own his double cd "History" with his greatest hits but, only because it was one of the twelve cd's I picked for 99 cents when I initially signed up for that famous Columbia music offer. That was six years ago. I also ironically chose a CD called KIDS DANCE PARTY at the time. For the record, I have no kids and have never had a dance party. I may have tapped my foot along to Billie Jean it it's heyday and most recently at my niece's confirmation party I was the lead on the dance floor to "Thriller" only because of that great "Thirteen going on 30" Scene ........but, hey that is the extent of my Jackson worship ok?

I really and truly believe that Michael was innocent. Is Innocent. You see there was a time not so long ago when I was crazy about kids.(What happened you ask? I got a dog. Not that I don't love kids still but, the need to be around them constantly has dwindled) I still can be a big kid when it's appropriate. I love to play. I love to laugh. There was a time that if I had the money that Michael did I would of had my own neverland ranch. Well, maybe not a ranch because horse's scare me but, I definitely would of had a vast property where kids could come and hang out with me. I would have rides, games, ice cream.....the works!! If I could ever be in a position where I could make a difference to a child I would have. I still would. Especially a sick child or under privledged child.

In the past many people have asked me to dinner because their kids loved me. I have been invited to kid's parties because of a child's request. At times I was the only adult there who was invited specifically by the child. There is something about me that kids love. They don't see me as an adult. I know this because I have been asked on more than one occasion if I am "allowed" to stay for dinner or sometimes they guess my age as eleven. I had a few girls from my husband's hockey team sleep over at my place years ago. I would make popcorn and we'd watch movies.Seriously. This is why I have always been able to relate to Michael Jackson. The only difference between him and I used to be that he had a lot more money than me and that he was a male. I even have thought about that before he was accused of molestation. I was grateful in a way that I was a female. It was so very socially acceptable for me to play with a group of little girls. To have a sleepover with them (By the way, I did not arrange the sleepover, the mothers asked me to do this since their daughters asked them constantly to sleep at my place) If I was a man this never would of happened. No matter what the sex of the child was.

I personally believe that Michael Jackson is a boy himself. In his mind. He is Peter Pan. He has lived his life backwards. By the age of five he had been a household name. He was in the public eye for years. He and other siblings have confirmed physical, emotional and mental abuse by their father Joe. Michael then again in the eighties became a singing sensation. His album Thriller remains the greatest selling debut album of all time. He had a booming career, he had millions of dollars and he opened his Neverland ranch. Michael never had a childhood. He has said that himself. He spent his childhood on tour and doing homework on a bus in between cities. He lives out his childhood on his ranch and surrounding himself with children.

I will say that Michael has not used very good judgement and that is his biggest crime. He has admitted to having boys sleep in his bed with him. Michael is naive to believe that this would never come back to bite him in the ass. He was naive, too trusting of everyone and much like a child thought that everyone around him had the best of intentions. The family of the boy who was allegedly molested had a horrible track record. They have scammed so many people. The mother has a disurbing history of accusing people of things they did not do. Proven records of this. Most of the jurors said that she was creepy and made them uncomfortable. Pretty tough to do when Michael Jackson is in the same courtroom don't you think?

I cannot get into all the facts and the non existent evidence that came up in court. I don't have the blog space but, if you are interested in this topic do a google and you can read up on all the nitty gritty details.

For those of you who think he "Beat the system" I say to you, he had a fair trial, the jury came up with a verdict based on what was presented to them during the entire trial. Unless you were there every single day you cannot claim that he beat the system. That is an unfair statement.
For those of you who say "This is not his first charge of molestation what about that?" I say you are right. Do you recall that the family who accused him previously settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money. Never to be heard from again? Let me ask you a question. If YOUR child had been molested no matter by who or what circumstances.......YOUR CHILD was molested and you believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that YOUR child was molested, sexually violated and their innocence taken advantage of.....would there be any amount of money sufficient enough to make you shut up? To make you go away? How do you explain this to your child? "Yes, the bad man gave us money so we are not going to fight for justice?"
Michael should of learned from that experience. I never said he was very smart but, apparently he has stated that he no longer will have sleepovers or children in his room. Michael, you should of done that years ago and you wouldn't of been in the recent mess you were in.
The family who was accusing him this time as I said has a history of false claims and accusations. Any lame attempt for money and they were there like a dirty shirt. They saw how Michael was with their son. They took advantage of the situation. Michael asked the mother if her son could sleep in his bed. She condoned this. Now, let me say I wouldn't even let my dog sleep at the neverland ranch! AND I MAINTAIN MICHAEL IS INNOCENT. I mean how flipping crazy are these parents? I actually feel sorry for the boy involved. What kind of monsters does he have for parents? Imagine if he actually is molested now? Who the hell will believe him? He has lost all credibility due to his parents. Even though the verdict was not guilty there is still a victim here. The boy. A victim of his parents.

You can call Michael Jackson a freak. You can call him a weirdo. You can him a has been. You can call him naive. You can call him irresponsible. You can call him a surgery addict. You can call him stupid. You can call him a quack.
Don't call him a pediophile.


Monday, June 13, 2005

Seven deadly fashion sins.

The heat of a pending summer is upon us. Most people have dug out their summer wardrobes and have been dressing for the weather. I have seen many fashion faux pas which I must address. I have decided to only pick on women here as if this was pertaining to men's fashion sins I would not have enough blog space! (If I see another man wearing black socks with shorts and sandals I will scream)

I call these Fashions sins. For those of you who are not familliar with the original sevin deadly sins, these are the worst sins you could commit when it comes to judgement day and each has it's own torturing punishment. I have provided the deadly sin in BOLD below with a brief description and then applied it to fashion. I also have incorporated my own punishments. This goes beyond the no white shoes before labor day stuff. Yes, this goes much deeper.Here is my list of the seven deadly fashion sins.

1) PRIDE Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
So you bought a new skirt that all your coworkers are gushing over. When they tell you it is gorgeous you pipe up "Thanks! It was x amount of dollars". I know you are proud of your purchase but, we as women really just learn to say "Thanks" when giving a clothing compliment. I should know. I commit this sin on a daily basis.
Punishment Eventually people will get so sick of your bragging that they will no longer compliment you. No matter how cute your new purse is.

2)ENVY - is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
Why are women so catty with one another? Why do we stare at that nineteen year old with the perky breasts, 20 inch waist and want to pick her apart? Instead of giving each other dirty looks for looking beautiful we should all be complimenting each other and confirming to each other that we are the superior sex. Why do women compete with one another for attention? Women dress for other women. Hardly ever for men. A million men can tell us that we look nice but, if ONE woman tells us than we know we do!
Punishment Everytime you have a secretly catty thought about a beautiful or well dressed woman you will acquire a new wrinkle or a half pound on the scale or BOTH depending on how damaging the thought. The woman you insulted however will experience even more radiant skin and grow quarter bouncing buttocks.

3)GLUTTONY - is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires
This is for those of you (And you know who you are) who over-accessorize. No occasion calls for fiftly bangle bracelets, four anklets, a toe ring on each toe and a studded belt. Wear them but, please not all at once!
Punishment You will be a magnet for metal detectors, lightning bolts and greasy italian men who wear more chains than you own.

4)LUST is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
We all know there is a difference between sexy and skanky. In case you are not sure sexy is exposing a peek of ONE of the following; chest, stomach or legs. Skanky however is exposing a whole lot of more than one of these areas or worse - all of them at the same time. (Think Lil Kim or Christina Aguilera in her "dirty" days)
Sexy is good. Skanky is bad. If you choose one of these looks than at least be confident in it. Don't tug endlessly at a short skirt, teeter on your stilettos or adjust your chest to avoid wardrobe malfunctions. Put on something sexy that fits you properly, comfortably and own the look. Punishment You will get a ton of attention. Not the good kind.

5)ANGER is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
Do not kick your scale if you do not like the number on it. Do not throw your jeans across the room when they don't do up properly. Don't curse yourself in the mirror of the bathing suit fitting mirror. It's not your fault. Those are trick mirrors. They are suppose to depress you so that you shop more. (Those people at bikini villiage don't have me fooled for a minute!) We really are our worst critics. Let's try and learn to love ourselves for who we are and how we are right now. Those models are skinny yes, but, what who wants to be hungry and grumpy all your life?"
Punishment Any negative self talk will become reality. If you say "I am useless", "I am ugly", "I am a cow" Guess what? You will be. That'll teach us all not to put ourselves down.

6)GREED is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual.
When you do find that cute ten dollar top or funky twenty dollar pants do tell others about your fashion finds. Let's not confuse my comments on PRIDE - in the event of a great sale or clearance you must share!!
Punishment In fashion hell you will never find a good price on anything ever again and if you do they won't have your size.

7)SLOTH is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
Nobody likes a slob. If you are at home nobody cares but, if you venture out in public do make an attempt to smell clean and take your hair out of your face. The only exceptions are if you just ran the Boston Marathon or you have children under the age of ten. (Most people with children under the age of ten will tell you the Boston Marathon is easier to do......)
Punishment nobody will want to associate with you or they may start rumors that you are going crazy and living like a hermit.

I have been guilty of all of these sins at some point in my existence as a woman so please understand these criticisms come from my very own experience.
You can exempt yourself from all these "rules" if you can get just one man to stop wearing those black socks this summer. Good luck. You will need it.


Thursday, June 09, 2005

Modern Fairy Tales

Fairy tales were part of all of our childhoods. They entertained us and in some cases taught us life lessons we didn't realize at the time. As a child I loved fairy tales. I decided to take another look at them as an adult. Well, a child trapped in a adult's body and here's what they look like in the modern world.

Hansel and Gretel - Now that I look at this one it was terrifying! Two children lost in the woods who find a trail of candy leading to an old woman's house who plans to eat them or do harm to them.
Hello! The old woman is a pediophile or a murderer! No, they are not all forty year old balding computer geeks. Teach your children that dangerous people come in all shapes, sizes, sexes and ages because in fact they do.

CINDERELLA - A young, beautiful girl is forced to do chores for her ugly stepsisters and mother. One night her fairy Godmother shows up, dolls up Cinderella and sends her to a ball where she meets her prince. Loses her shoe which he uses to track her down and pledge his love for her.
Ok, so today Cinderella's life would of been a whole lot easier with products like the swifter and the Mr. Clean magic eraser. Her ugly stepsisters would of all had nose jobs, breast implants and a profile getting many hits on lavalife. Her fairy godmother would be one of the guys from QUEER EYE. Cinderella wouldn't lose her shoe. Well, maybe just as an excuse to get another pair. Hmmm...that explains the storyline. The only difference is she wouldn't need to wait for any man to rescue her.

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS The heroine, Snow White is put under a spell by her evil stepmother(sounds familliar) who feels threatened by the Snow White's beauty. Once again a prince comes along and it's his kiss that wakes her up from her sleep.
This one is about vanity. The stepmother is so vain she wants sleeping beauty out of the picture. She keeps looking into that mirror and asking it to confirm she is the most beautiful in the land. Older women in those days were has beens at twenty one. We've come a long way baby!! Forty is the new twenty five. Older woman are showing the youngins how it's done and are much more confident in their bodies which adds to their beauty. In today's world the prince would of bypassed the sleeping young girl and went straight to the older one to validate that indeed.......she still is the fairest of them all. Now as for the seven dwarfs? Dopey, sleepy, grumpy.....Were these suppose to prepare us for the mood swings of PMS? And today, Snow White would of discovered tanning salons.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA In this fairy tale the princess once again is under some sleeping spell and lying on twenty mattresses. Under the bottom mattress is a pea that somehow stays intact. I cannot recall this whole story but, I do remember that yet again a prince comes out of nowhere to save her. Do women today need to be saved as desperately? What's the message we keep giving to our daughters?(I don't have a daughter, just figuratively speaking) And exactly how long did this particular princess have to starve herself in order to lay on twenty mattresses and not squish the pea? Aren't women under enough pressure to be thin these days? Throw this book out immediately if you have it.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND I myself have never read this but, I know the premise. A young girl has a dream(Why are the women and girls in these damn stories always out of it?) ends up in some type of wonderland with rabbits and gnomes who seem to be having an outdoor party.
What type of weed was this author smoking? Did they have crack back then? I think I know why Alice was in a "dream like" state and all those rabbits on steroids were so hungry.

THE UGLY DUCKLING About an ugly duckling who is ridiculed, black listed and then becomes a beautiful swan. Today the obvious comparison was that reality show THE SWAN where everyday women who really just need to get on treadmill, put on some lipstick and get a hobby are transformed through plastic surgery to look like blow up dolls. You can see how far we have come since the original fairy tale. Yeah.......right.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS A young girl winds up trespassing in a house which belongs to a family of bears. She eats their porridge, sits in their chairs and sleeps in their beds. In today's world she would of been called a stalker, a home invader or a criminal. Imagine doing something like this at Jane and Finch? Can you say gunshot wounds to the head?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD Sheesh. Another stupid little girl goes into the woods and against all her grandmother's warnings ends up talking to the big bad wolf. Man, women can be stubborn! By the way, the little red riding outfits now come in laytex and come with a horsewhip. Just in case anyone was interested. Ahem, a friend told me.

GEORGIE PORGIE Ok, so this was more of a limerick than a fairy tale but, any boy going around kissing the girls and makeing them cry?? Today Georgie buddy you would get your ass kicked. Kissing or groping an unwilling woman? Nowadays we call it sexual assault. Oh and the other half of the limerick "When the boys came out to play Georgie Porgie ran away." - When Georgie gets put away for harassment he will really be running when the boys come out to play!!

Are people still telling their kids these stories?? Aren't they just a tad outdated and creepy or is it just me?
Mind you I grew up with them and I turned out ok.
Stop laughing.
Writers need to incorporate new fairy tales for children of today or at least update these silly ones. Only then can children attempt to live happily ever after.


Wednesday, June 08, 2005

A bit about Pitt

So if you missed ABC Primetime last night, Diane Sawyer had a one-hour special in which she interviewed Brad Pitt. For those of you who missed it (WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?) they discussed his new movie, Angelina Jolie, who he claims is NOT the reason for his pending divorce and Diane accompanied him to Africa where Brad is hoping to make a difference in their poor communities.

I decided to interview Brad myself. Well, in fantasyland. Here is my interview with Brad Pitt.

Linda: (Silent and in a daze)
Brad: "Hi"
Linda: (Silent and drooling)
Brad: "Hi there?"
Linda: (Smiling stupidly and twirling her hair with her finger)
Brad: "Linda is it? Linda are you ok??? Linda??"(Looking around the room desperately at the crew) "Does she talk? Is she ok or what?"
Linda : "Um, sorry, um, sorry, so sorry, ok Brad? May I call you Brad?"
Brad: "You can call me whatever you want honey" (Winking)
Linda: (Blushing furiously trying not to faint while turning a lovely shade of tomato red) "um.... Um, where was I?"
Brad: (smiling) "yes, you can call me Brad"
Linda: (melting) "Ok, then, um, ok, um Brad your latest movie entitled Mr. and Mrs. Smith has just um, been, um, released. What can you tell me about this movie?
Brad: "I can tell you that you will love it."
Linda: (giddy and now losing colour) "Yes, I am sure I will!!"
Brad: "I am very proud of this film. It is unlike any character I have ever
played before "
Linda: "Are you, um, naked in this film? "
Brad: (smiling coyly) "Well, aren't you a naughty girl!! No, not fully naked
but, lots of love scenes where I am semi naked. "
Linda: "Ah yes, With Angelina? What was that like?
Brad : It was great but completely choreographed. Meant nothing."
Linda: " So you are not involved with her romantically then? "(with a twinkle in her hopeful eye)
Brad: "Angelina and me? The last thing I would call it was romantic! I like
her and admire her work and she is hot. What more can I say? "
Linda: "I know. She is hot isn't she?? Even I want a piece of that..(Turning another shade of red and covering her mouth) I didn't mean that, what I meant um, was, um, she is pretty "
Brad:"Oh you meant it baby, you know you meant it"!(embedding his blue eyes into Linda's suddenly boring brown ones)
Linda: "So what happened with what's her face? "
Brad: "You mean Jennifer Aniston? "
Linda: "Oh her.......yeah what happened?"
Brad: "We just had different roads we wanted to travel for a future. I still love her. But, I love her like a friend "
Linda: "Yeah, but, let's face it you ain't no Ross or Chandler!"
Brad: "What are you saying? I am a Joey? "
Linda: "You are so not Joey!! No, no!! You are smart and cute and lovely and so cute and buff and cute and handsome and heavenly and cute and sexy and clever and Sexy!!!! Nobody compares." (Gay make up artist "Roman" hands Linda some tissues to wipe her salivating mouth)
Brad: "Thanks for that. I am pretty hot aren't I?" (Trying to look in makeup artist "Roman's" mirror)
Linda: (Nodding like a bobblehead on speed) Uh Huh!!!!
Brad: "Thanks"
Linda: "No problem - so you didn't just get sick of Jennifer did you? Or even worse did she get sick of you? There is no hope for anyone if she was sick of you? We should all just pack it in now for the love of........"
Brad: "No, nothing like that. Please move on with this topic - I already have. "
Linda: "Um, so what's with Africa?"
Brad: "I want to make a difference to those people"
Linda: "How come Diane got to go to Africa but, I was never asked to accompany you for this interview?"
Brad: "You're hot, she's not. I knew if I took you along those poor orphans would be starving still. I would never of made it to the camp. Diane was safe. She is nice but, not my type. Not my type at all."
Linda: (Splashing water on her face) "Um, yeah, well ok then"
(Long pause while they get lost in each other's eyes)
Brad: "So then, anything else you want to know about Africa?"
Linda: "Yes, um, Are you adopting a child from there? "
Brad: "Possibly "
Linda: "Have I mentioned how much I adore children? Especially black children? When do you plan on doing this? "
Brad: "Not sure, just thinking about it right now. In fact I want to start a family. "
Linda: "Um, I am sure you have women lined up to help and many men also, now that I think about it but, then again, those men cannot give you what you want, um, I mean a baby. Well, you can do that with a man but, then you need to adopt and um, you know, the woman, well, um, you like women don't you? "
Brad: "WTF do I look like - Tom Cruise? You know what? You just crossed a line "
Linda: "Sorry, um, I am trying to contain myself, I am so overly a fan of yours and um, had all these great questions to ask but, now I am, um, completely Pitt struck and I, um, am becoming, um, a babbling idiot. Um, sorry. "
Brad: "That's ok babe. I am actually enjoying this. You are some kind of woman I tell ya. It is very flattering how you are falling all over yourself for me. I am just surprised you have not fallen out of your seat."
Linda: "That's because they restrained me to the chair. Didn't they have to restrain Diane Sawyer? "
Brad: "No. Mind you they had to restrain Dan Rather once. "
Linda: "Oh."(And then breaks out into giggles that are similar to that of a love stuck fourteen-year-old girl)
Brad: "Do you want to see my chest and then maybe get some ice cream? "
Linda: "DO I? DO I?? Yes, yes oh God Yes! "
Brad: "Ok, but the camera goes off then. Besides, I got my own camera if you know what I mean "
Linda: (YELLING AT THE CAMERAMAN) "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SHUT IT OFF! NOW!" as she throws a brick at the camera man.

Fade to black.

Yeah, that's just how it would of happened.
It never will however because I am quite happily married to a wonderful man who loves me dearly. Too bad for you Brad. You'll have to settle for Angelina.


Saturday, June 04, 2005


This is a letter I will never send but, I needed to write nonetheless.
It may be disturbing to some of you. I know because it disturbed me as I wrote it. It is a disturbing topic and I am sorry but, had to deal with it.

To Ms Holmolka,

You don't know me but, I know you. Almost every Canadian knows who you are except maybe for the young ones who are better off for it.
I am writing this letter to you so that maybe you can understand why so many people want you to rot in jail or even better hell. I cannot speak for everyone else but, I will speak for myself because this is Canada and just like you, I have rights.

Before I knew who you were, If I would of met you or seen you somewhere - you would of looked very friendly to me. If I was lost I would of approached someone like you. If I was stranded I would of gotten into your car even while your charming handsome husband was in it. Surely a young, outgoing, goodlooking couple who seem to have everything going for them would never want to harm anyone?
Maybe I should be grateful to you in a small way because forever I will have my guard up, look over my shoulder and carry my cell phone with me whenever I leave the house......just in case.

I can't be grateful to you however because I don't like you. I don't respect you. I don't want you out of jail.

We have always been taught as little girls by our parents to be careful. Not to talk to strangers. Not to put oneself in a dangerous situation. I know that if you had not been with your husband in the car when you picked up those girls they would not have been in that car! They would not have got in the car with a man so easily. The beautiful, young, innocent wife with the warm and welcoming smile. We all can see why those girls were lured so easily. It was safe to them. You could be trusted. Right? Wrong. So disgracefully wrong!!!!!!!!

This part of my letter is difficult to express. Your sister. Karla, YOUR SISTER! Even a woman who is so dreadfully terrified of her husband would not commit the acts that you did to your sister! For God's sake I can't even and never have imagined this happening to one of my own sisters nevermind DOING IT TO THEM. You freaking lunatic. You said Paul made you do it. You said you were afraid of him and you had to do it. YOUR SISTER KARLA. YOUR BABY SISTER. THE FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SISTER WHO WAS YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD. You were so damn afraid of your husband that you stole horse tranquilizers from the vet clinic that you worked at. You stole them to have on hand to put into TAMMY'S - your BABY SISTER'S drink. That is how you and the freak you married, knocked her out. You also were apparently shitting your pants in fear of your demon husband when you filmed a video of what your husband did to YOUR BABY SISTER !!!!!!!!!!!!

You did film this happening!! But, they destroyed the tapes. Years ago when they put you away. Those tapes were shipped to hell. Yes, hell. You only thought you were married to a demon? Well the REAL devil lives in hell and you will meet him one day. He makes your husband look like Mary Poppins. The real devil is waiting for you in anticipation. (The same anticipation you and Paul had waiting for the horse pills to take affect on your baby sister) You are HELL'S most famous female tenant. Or should I say tenant-to-be. When you get to Hell you will immediately know why you there and you will feel repent for all the evil you have committed. All the lives you have taken, ruined, trampled on, ripped apart and changed forever. You will then sit down with the Devil and watch those tapes you filmed of what you did to Kristen French, Leslie Mahoffy and your sister Tammy. YOUR BABY SISTER Tammy. You will watch those tapes over and over and over and over and over and over again. Each time you watch one you will be made to watch it through the eyes of the victims, their parents, their families and even through the eyes of God. You will feel the same pain, humiliation, hurt, loss and every emotion they felt. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

That is why I will only write you this once and try to not ever think of you again. I know that justice will prevail one day. You will get yours. I guarantee it.

Statistically we know that men commit more murder than women do. Men are typically charged with more violent crimes than women are. Historically the word rapist always implied a man. A woman just would never do that. It was unheard of. Oh and a woman who is both a MURDERER and a RAPIST?? No, no, it can't be!!!!!
You see Before your despicable story Karla, most of us had never heard one like it. It was unbelievable. It still is difficult to fathom. You not only took the lives of these young girls but, you took everything from them. You took their innocence. You took their futures. You took their childhood. You took their dreams.
And you did this to your sister also. YOUR BABY SISTER.

The things you have done were evil on so many levels. Unspeakable.
What you did was especially horrid because of the very reason of who you are.
A woman.

No regards whatsoever,

Linda Gallacher


Friday, June 03, 2005


If you missed my last one. W.T.F's stand for What, Who, Why, When the F___ .(Insert your own word here - I think we all know what mine is)

Ok, here we go.

W.T.F is everyone so suspicious about Tom Cruise's relationship with Katie Holmes?? I don't find it peculiar at all. Everyone knows gay men love to surround themselves with young, beautiful stylish women.

W.T.F would MAC cosmetics choose Pamela Anderson as a spokesperson? Don't get me wrong, I like her but, who the hell looks at her face?

W.T.F heard that Denise Richard's (Charlie Sheen's ex) Just had another daughter. They now have two daughters together. I hope they grow up to be as beautiful and sexy as their mother and as promiscuos and sexually brazen as their papa. That should teach him.

W.T.F taught Britney Spears to use a camera? Her new show CHAOTIC is worse than her filming skills. Someone needs to hide her camera from her. They should put it with her mirror and dignity cause apparently she can't find those either.

W.T.F kind of restaurant will be able to accomodate the latest couple-of-the-fleeting- moment - Tommy Lee and Tara Reid (aka party girl who's boob keeps popping out) I just can't see one single establishment with that much vodka on hand. They won't last based on this factor alone.

W.T.F does Brad Pitt suddenly want to adopt a child? More importantly does anyone think I stand a chance as passing for a young ethnic orphan?

W.T.F was Christian Slater thinking when he recently was charged for groping an innocent woman's butt as she passed him on the street? His statement to the police and the press was "I have done nothing wrong" And that's the sad part, he really believes that.

W.T.F did that stupid paparazzi guy run his car into Lindsay Lohan's just to get a photo? Any experienced celebrity photographer would know that you can easily get a photo of Lindsay at any L.A nightspot after 11pm. If you wait until 2am you may even get a drunken breast photo opportunity.

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan......W.T.F has happened to her? Her and her new best buddy Nicole Richie need to eat a sandwich. Not now but, RIGHT NOW. Even half a sandwich. They can even split it with Renee Zellweger if they want. Please.....just eat.

W.T.F will buy anything from Ashley Olsen's new fashion line? Although bag ladies will love the look they won't be able to afford it. I suppose the need to do something separate from her sibling Mary Kate was inevitable. Ashley must be sick of being the fat, normal and friendly Olsen twin.

W.T.F is with Elizabeth's breasts? She is giving the show "THE VIEW" A whole new meaning. I know she just had a baby and is breast feeding but, good Lord, even Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith are jealous.

W.T.F are television fanatics watching these days? All the good shows are on hiatus. There are only so many Full House reruns one person can take.

W.T.F is up with Jessica Simpson's marriage? She's been married less than five years, literally became a househould name overnight and is struggling to balance her career with her marriage. Pretty normal stuff here. Well, normal for a celebrity. The only newsflash here is that she is human and so is her husband.

W.T.F is Oprah going to be a guest on Ellen?? Those two could have a dance off. My money's on Ellen. Mind you, Oprah is a sista...


Thursday, June 02, 2005

It's a nice day for a ... white wedding

So love is in the air it seems. Bridal shows are in bloom everywhere. The watercooler conversations at work are all buzzing of pending marriages and celebrations. So many people I know are in wedding parties, planning bachelorette parties or deciding on what wedding gifts to give.
This can only mean one thing.
Women everywhere are pulling out their hair, cursing their mother in laws to be and on crazy grapefruit diets to fit into that dress.

Women as little girls dream about their big day. Well, they say you do. I never did. My life aspiring dream as a young girl from a big family was having the house to myself for a night and eating a whole bag of oreo's dipped in cool whip. I am proud to say I have lived out my dream. More than once. It was worth the sore stomach I tell you! Anyhow, my point is that I never had the big wedding dream but, I am the minority. Most women do dream about it as girls. Most women put a lot of effort into making their fairytale become a reality. After all, it only happens once right?
Um, not in my case. I have been married twice. The first time I had the big wedding. Half the people at my wedding I didn't know and the other three quarters I didn't even want there. I borrowed the dress from a friend as I thought I am not spending money on something I am going to only wear once. (Mind you I will drop the coin for a skimpy lingerie number that doesn't stay on me for more than twenty nine seconds - I have my priorities people) My youngest sister basically took over all the planning because I really didn't care. I just wanted it over and done with. It was a big commercial propaganda to me. I barely remember it today and I wasn't drinking so what does that tell you?
My second marriage was much more my style. I jetted off to Barbados on the spur of the moment. Wore a gorgeous white summer prom style gown and my skin was bronzed with sunshine. It was lovely. He was lovely. I was lovely. It was the dream I probably would of had if I was not so obsessed with food in my teens. The best part is that it was all hubby's idea. It was beautiful and perfect.
I am not an expert on marriage as you can see but, from someone who has had both types of weddings let me give you some little tips for anyone you know who may be planning a big mother wedding.

1) I don't care what anyone says nobody is going to remember the little orchid design in the champagne fountain ten years from now. It is not important.

2) For a sure fire eventful wedding, do the seating plan yourself. Ensure you sit people who can't stand each other together. If you get bored you could always glance over and watch them pretend to get along.

3) Another seating tip. Seat your sluttiest, crazy, drunken friend next to your mother in law. She will suddenly realize you are the best thing that ever happened to her son. (And she won't call you those names anymore cuz when she does images of Bambi will flood her mind)

4) Just as Princess Diana did, make your entire wedding party consist of children. They will be adorable and pretty but, none of them will ever compete to outshine you and the goddess that you are. Besides, they'll be in bed by eight and you can have all the pictures be of you.

5) This is the one day of your life you want to absolutely not buy shoes for their "cuteness" factor. They must be comfortable and must be practical. You will be standing in these for hours and dancing your butt off all night. Do you really want to spend your wedding night with your blistered, bloody feet up in the air? Didn't think so.

6) Don't invite that fifth cousin from your fourth removed aunt's side just because your parents want you to. Unless of course they are paying for your wedding. Then you will do exactly as they say. If you are paying? Invite only those people who truly and honestly are happy for you and want to witness you pledge your love to your partner. Even if that means only the two of you show up. That is what the day is about by the way.

7) Everyone is going to tell you how gorgeous you look. Some of them mean it, some of them are just trying to be polite. Don't let it go to your head. Sorry, but, someone's gotta tell it like it is.

8) Go on a honeymoon. Even if it is to Niagara Falls or the downtown Ramada Inn. If you plan on going later, you never will OR you will be accompanied by his mother and your two snotty nosed new additions to your family. (I know this is not wedding related but, you plan the honeymoon when you plan the wedding so remember this)

9) Make sure people aren't waiting too long to eat or drink. This is the one thing they will remember ten, twenty, fifty years from now. If the service at the hall is bad or you make them wait too long to eat soggy rice they may smile sweetly when they see you but, believe me your name is mud. (AND NO - YOU CANNOT MAKE UP FOR THIS AT YOUR OWN GROWN CHILDREN'S WEDDING!!! too late)

10) Have a few people assigned to special duties. That is what they are there for. Example? Make the best man guard the "boosta" box(Where all the money envelopes) are kept all night. You have no idea how many instances I have heard where they went missing. If you place the boosta box beside the bridesmaid with the biggest rack, the best man will do his job. You can have the maid of honor keep track of how drunk your father in law is. This will avoid any embarassing moments where he may try and grope Bambi (You remember her? The bimbo you placed beside your mother in law)
Seriously, your bridal party are there to serve you. Make them earn their titles. It'll also help them keep their mind off the awful tafetta ensemble you have them wearing that adds inches to their hips.

The biggest tip of all? Don't marry to live out a dream. Don't marry to make other people happy or to fill an empty void in your life. Don't marry because you have been with this person for x amount of time and it seems like the next reasonable step. Don't marry because you think this is the best you can do and you can learn to love your partner. Don't marry just because you were asked.

Marry because you simply cannot imagine a single day apart from your partner. Marry because you want this person all to yourself. Marry because the search is over. Marry because this is the only mouth you want to kiss forever and ever. Marry because you are in love and you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. The good, the bad and the ugly. You want it all. Marry someone who will bring out the best in you.

The secret to a dream wedding is easy, if you follow my tips above, now the secret to a dream marriage??? If I knew that I'd be a zillionaire. I do know that when it's right you will know it. It's delicious, it's wonderful, it's abandonment, it's ecstacy. In fact It's like being home alone with a bag oF oreo's and a big tub of cool whip..........