Celebrity stories and gossip that make you go "W.T.F?"

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Pedicure Panic Manicure Mania

Went to get my nails done tonight and also had a pedicure. I am a regular customer and go frequently. I always have a good time there and my manicurist is more of a friend than a service provider to me. Something strange happened this afternoon that is just not sitting well with me.

Two women came into the salon. One was middle aged and one was an elderly woman. The middle aged lady was speaking to the older one in Italian. She asked the salon owner if they had an appointment opening and was told yes. The middle aged woman sat the older woman on a chair, took her shoes and socks off, mumbled something to one of the salon employees and left. As she was walking out she said in English "Be back in ten minutes!"

The elderly woman was supposed to be getting a pedicure. She was very upset and cringing when the poor nail technican tried to position her foot properly on the pedicure table. The elderly woman was visibly quite nervous. I turned to Nancy (The salon owner) and looked at her like "what the????"
Nancy told me they come in at least once a month. The elderly lady has alzeimhers. She has been a customer for the last four years and has become progressively worse. The middle aged woman apparently is her caregiver. The middle aged woman is named Marissa. She has the habit of dropping off the elderly woman and saying she'll be back in ten minutes and guessed it, she comes back an hour or two later.

Meanwhile, as Nancy is telling me the story, the elderly woman is increasingly becoming agitated. She looks terrified and I hear her mumbling "Casa, casa" I tell Nancy "She wants to go home". Apparently this happens everytime. Sometimes the woman (I found out her name is Fernanda so will call her that from now on) has good days and sometimes she has bad days. Nancy explained to me that the last time Marissa brought Fernanda in she had a very bad spell. Marissa left her as she always does. The salon was very busy that day. Fernanda apparently began to sob loudly and tried to get up and leave. Nancy and her employees had to run after Fernanda and keep her back. I told Nancy this was unacceptable. If something should happen to Fernanda while she is left in Nancy's salon this would be horrible and she may be liable. Nancy agreed and told me she has expressed this concern to Marissa more than once. As I looked over to Fernanda who was mumbling to herself in Italian and looking terrified I said to Nancy "You are going to have to be very direct with Marissa and turn her away next time". I reminded Nancy that she owns a salon and is not a caregiver nor is she a babysitter.

The girl who was trying to give Fernanda a pedicure had a really hard time as she was trying to be gentle but, Fernanda kept wincing as though the technician was doing some type of chinese torture to her toes.

Marissa eventually came back carrying a slew of shopping bags including two from the L.C.B.O - I had a sneaking suspicion that the booze wasn't for the medicated Fernanda. I made sure of telling Marissa that Fernanda obviously did not want to be there and was left alone for too long. I also told her the employees could not do their jobs properly. God love them they were desperately trying to provide a service to someone who clearly did not want this service done.
What does Marissa do at this point?
She begins yelling at Fernando who I didn't think could possibly turn any whiter.
She was treating her like a toddler who's hand was caught in the cookie jar after dinner time.

Marissa looked around and realized we were all staring at her in disbelief. She picked up the shopping bags and told Fernanda it was time to go.

I watched that poor old woman go out the door four hours ago. The look on her face is still with me and will be for a long time.
My ass.
I got home and told my husband. I was livid. I told him the whole story and was very upset and you know what he said?
"Your toes look so pretty though"
And they do.


Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Got Milk?

A while ago I gave a woman my seat on the subway. She was carrying a new born. She got on the subway with her husband and they had one of those new "spaceship" like strollers. The subway was not packed but, there were no seats available so I gave her mine and as I did I nudged the man beside me who reluctantly gave his seat to the father of the baby. The baby was crying something fierce. A deafening high pitch wail. This would of bothered me a few years ago but, since I have become a mom myself. (Yes, I am talking about Chelsea) I have become much more sensitive to other moms even if their babies aren't as hairy as mine.

The mother Thanked me, sat down and coddled her precious child. I smiled at them and began to read my book. All of once the high pitched baby wailing stopped. I glance over at mommy and baby. Baby's head is under mommy's T-shirt and mommy is feeding baby. I smile to myself thinking no wonder baby was so upset. Without looking around me I suddenly feel awkward. Not myself, but, I sense others are feeling this way. I immediately notice the woman beside me (We are standing over the breastfeeding mommy) moves to the other side of the train. A man behind me clears his throat uncomfortably. Another woman shoots a look of disgust over at the young family. I look back at the mommy and her child to see if I am missing something.
Perhaps she has three nipples? Maybe her husband is sucking the free boob? Maybe her areolas are so freakishly large........nope, her breast is not even showing. Her husband is holding the stroller. In fact the only way you know what's going on is that the baby's head is half invisible under the mom's shirt and if you really, really listen you can hear a soft suckling noise.

Why did people get so bent out of shape?
This to me was nature at work. The woman was being discreet about it. The baby screamed in hunger and the mommy fed the baby. What was the problem?

I secretly thought some of the men were offended because they don't want to admit the truth. God gave women breasts for this very reason. No, not merely for their pleasure. However, more women seemed offended. I was trying to rationlize why they felt this way in my mind. Yes, maybe if there was a more private location to go to, but, no there was not. I could see if the woman had both breasts hanging out and made no attempt to cover up but, this simply was not the case.

I have to tell you that once in a while my precious fur child Chelsea will cry in the middle of the night. A hunger cry. I get out of bed, get her kibble and feed her. My husband doth protest this. He thinks she is too spoiled and I should wait until the morning as per usual to feed her. I can't! She is hungry! How can I possibly deny my baby of food??? She loves to eat and sometimes, especially when the weather is nice, she plays outside all day and is not as interested in her food. There is NO WAY I could not get out of bed at 4am or 2:30 am or whatever time and not feed her. Trust me when I tell you if she was human and I had her nourishment stored in my chest, I would be feeding her when she needed to be fed.

God knows how cranky I am if I don't get to eat when I gotta eat.

I am not trying to force my opinion on anyone. I am calling out to someone to maybe try and explain why the scenario I explained would be an issue??
Did I miss something??

Friday, May 13, 2005


W.T.F's stand for WHAT or WHY or WHO or WHEN THE F___ , put in your choice word here, I think we all know what mine is. Ok, we've already established that I love celebrity crap. So here are a few celebrity W.T.F's for ya.

W.T.F happened to Priscilla Presley? Have you seen her lately? Michael Jackson is looking natural compare to Priscilla. She used to be so beautiful and was aging so nicely and BAM! she goes under several knives. Someone needs to talk to her surgeon and say in the words of the immortal Elvis "Don't Be Cruel!".

W.T.F is Paris Hilton wanting to marry her current beau who ironically is also named Paris? So when she screams out her own name won't be so peculiar anymore. That's why.

W.T.F is Britney Spears coming out with a reality show of her own if she is so sick and tired of the press?

W.T.F is Gwen Stefani always surrounded by those creepy Japanese girls schoolgirls? The first video was cool but, they are always with her now? If she were a forty year old man she would of been arrested ages ago and her computer would of been seized.

W.T.F is the world coming to when women like Halle Berry and Pamela Anderson are considering being artificially inseminated??

W.T.F did Mariah Carey get a fourth pair of implants and W.T.F did she become so desperate for attention?

W.T.F did Kelly Osbourne start showing off her gigantic boobs? I thought she was so against Christina Aguilera and everyone else doing it?

W.T.F is the "secret" Angelina and Brad Pitt video coming out and where can I buy it?

W.T.F does everyone think that Tom Cruise is gay? Nicole is the one who goes everywhere with Naomi Watts. They even dress alike. Those two don't fool me for a minute.

W.T.F do you think happened with Paula Abdul and that young contestant?? Do you think she really had relations with him? If she did do you think she clapped when it was done and said "A little pitchy but, you made it your own. Good Job!"

W.T.F is Tara Reid going to try a 12 step program and not her current one. 1) one shot of tequila 2) one shot of vodka 3) one rye and coke 4) one like of coke and not the pop........oh, you get the point. Her recent wardrobe malfunction was a cry for help if you ask me.

W.T.F thinks it's ironic that Jennifer Lopez is currently starring in a movie with Michael Vartan who happens to be Jennifer Garner's ex. Jennifer Garner is pregnant in real life with Ben Affleck's baby. You didn't know? What planet are you from?

W.T.F don't I do this weekly?? This was fun.
A - W.T.F celebrity blog for those of you who buy the magazines......and you know who you are.

Let me share my fountain of useless information with you.


Thursday, May 12, 2005

I'm all the Desperate Housewives

Even if you don't watch DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES you may appreciate this. Especially if you are a housewife. (Today that means being a wife who lives in a house - the old terminology of housewife - woman who stays home with children may still apply and you still get props but, the definition should be clear here)
I took a quiz called "Which Desperate Housewife are you?". I took it five times. Each time I took it (the questions aren't always the same) I was a different housewife.
At first I thought that was strange but, then I realized that it is true. I am each of the characters from the popular show mushed into one.

Susan - I am a clutz. I trip over my own feet. I mean well most of the time and most of the time things back fire on me. I have the best of intentions and due to no fault of my own, something almost always goes wrong. I am the person who gets up to give someone a seat on the subway but, steps on someone else's foot as I do it. Typical Susan. Unlike Susan I have never burned anyone's house down nor have I been caught running around my neighbourhood naked. Mind you summer is not here yet, lots of time for that.

Bree - Ah, the obsessive compulsive Bree. Mrs. Perfection. A part of me is Bree. My vast cd collection is sorted in alphabetical order by artist, band and then by order of when released. I like my house clean and in order. When my house is in order, I am in order. I like to entertain and like to cook. I enjoy doing laundry. I still have a long way to go to be considered Martha Stewart though because I have never done anything illegal and got caught.

Lynette - So I don't have four children. I have a dog who I adore and she is well behaved most of the time so there are many things about Lynette I cannot relate to. However, Lynette has trust issues. She is constantly suspicious about people and so far Lynette has been dead on about her assumptions. I have that Lynette sixth sense. I know a creep coming a mile away, you lie to me I feel it. I may be sweet and friendly but, I am not stupid. You may think you got one by me but, you really didn't. I just let you think you did.

Gabrielle - I like to shop like Gabrielle does. I like shoes, I like clothes, I like to get my nails and feet done. I am the BIWAY version of Gabrielle because I am quite frugal when it comes to treating myself. The point is I treat myself. I do it all the time. I buy myself flowers, a great magazine, the latest bestselling novel, chocolate.......whatever I fancy. I also treat myself emotionally. I relax when I need to, I excercise for health and challenge myself intellectually as much as possible. I would never stay with a man for financial reasons like Gabrielle does. You cannot put a price on happiness. Happiness comes in many forms and it is priceless. It isn't something you see it is something you feel. I don't have a gardener so I can't comment on Gabrielle's affair. My husband does all the gardening around here. He watches the show sometimes too. He's not stupid. We are never hiring a gardener now. And thanks to the Lynette storyline we will also NEVER have a nanny.

Edie - I can relate to Edie very much. Her dead on comments, her eagerness to fit in and be liked. Her outfits?? Sure, I dress young for my age also. So, I don't jog in a push up bra but, it's the little quirky things that Edie does that make her loveable. I have never however competed with a woman for a man. Even if I was single I wouldn't. Just not worth the effort. There are just too many fish in the sea, mind you the water is polluted.

Mrs Huber - rest her soul. I am not one to sit around and speak badly of others but, how I love celebrity gossip. Even neighbour gossip is good. Mrs Huber and I have that in common. Neighbourly gossip. I remember Steve and I living at Yonge and Davisville in an apartment. We had nicknames for all the other people on our floor. There was "Frat Boy" who was young, rude and partied all week long. Passing his apartment on the way to mine was so annoying. The blaring music, the smoke seeping through the door and his slimy friends who visited regularly. There was "Cat Lady" who lived across the hall. I loved her. She understood my Chelsea love. She had a cat and if you can believe it - more spoiled than Chelsea. There was "Porn Queen" the girl down the hall who had an internet service she provided in her apartment through her website. She was wealthy, built like a brick shithouse and the saddest person I have ever seen.
Point is, like it or not I had the dish on them all.

MARY ALICE - I constantly "narrate" my version of everything.

So as you can see I am the ultimate housewife.
Just maybe not so desperate. By the way, does anyone know a good plumber?
Take the quiz and let me know who you are!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Things that make me go Hmmmm....

There are many things I wonder from time to time that are completely irrelevant or have any importance. Sometimes I have profound thoughts that I think may make a difference to somebody, someday. Most of these are not profound but, silly. I am in a silly mood today. (Remember this for when you get to number 8)
Let me share a few of them with you.

1) Where the heck do all the missing socks go that never come back out of the dryer? Is there a secret commune where they all live? I read somewhere that bounce sheets erode the socks but, wouldn't they erode other small garments like my bras? (Notice I didn't say my underwear)

2) Michael Jackson used to be known for grabbing his crotch ironically now he is famous for allegedly grabbing everyone else's

3) You know when you walk down the street and see one shoe on the sidewalk? Where is the other one? Who loses a shoe and doesn't notice?

4) Why do most people between the ages of thirteen to eighteen feel they have to scream when they talk?

5) I walk in the beautiful cemetary near my house daily. There are so many beautiful flowers that go to waste. I don't mean the ones left on graves, I mean the unbelievable amounts in the see through garbage bins. There is nothing wrong with these flowers. Surely some organization can deliver these to hospitals or old folks homes to brighten their day??

6) Jennifer Aniston married the sexiest man in the world (according to polls around the world) Only for him to leave her for the sexiest woman in the world (according to polls around the world). Poor Jennifer.

7) Why do families of sixteen go to busy stores like Zellers and Walmart on the weekends and stand blocking the aisles chatting? BUY SOMETHING or leave. If you are giving visiting family members some type of tour take them to the CN tower or Niagara Falls like everybody else.

8) People who laugh at themselves and play like children never grow old?

9) Of all the things we can do in science and nature. They still can't get the weather right? Well only when the newsman has an umbrella and says "It's raining today" No shit sherlock.

10) If you bake homemade sweets at home, bring them to work and offer them on a tray to everyone they say things like "Oh no, I just had lunch" or "I am on a diet" or "They look great but, I am not hungry" HOWEVER, the minute you put that tray in a kitchen or secluded room it completely is empty a half hour later.............HMMMMMMM

What makes you go Hmmmmm??

Comments appreciated and welcome


Tuesday, May 10, 2005

He's Just Not That Into SHOES

Loving this weather. For the obvious reasons. I can break out my spring wear and my vast collection of open toe shoes! Man, I have a lot of shoes. I have every color, every style, wedge heel, skinny heel, pumps, stiletto's,(never wear them but, they looked so pretty when I bought them) clogs, sandals, thong shoes, see through shoes, shoes that light up (I swear) Ok, two pair of shoes that light up (There was a sale and one never knows when they may need light up shoes if they get stranded at night somewhere). I love shoes. Shoes love me. If that visa commercial was in any way possible - shoes would follow me home. I adore them. You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes. So what would my shoes say about me??

- In a previous life I was a man and not a transvestite. I can't walk on heels if my life depended on it. However, I am ok with thick wedge type shoes that are high. They are easier to walk in. I never said I could walk in them, I just said they are easier ok?
- I am smart and cheap enough to shop at PAYLESS, ZELLERS AND Wal-Mart for shoes. Yeah, yeah, they are cheap shoes but, then I get to buy lots and lots and replace them every season or so. If I was dropping a lot of bucks on shoes I simply would not be able to do this. Also this way if you like more than one color your purchase will be guilt free because at payless the second pair is always half price!
- My eyes are bigger than my feet. I always buy shoes based on cute ness. I NEVER buy shoes for comfort. I always want to kick myself later but, continue to buy uncomfortable cute shoes. I grin and bear it. I am a complete slave to fashion. I admit it. My feet hate me but, who cares what those smelly, swollen, ugly things think?
- I love variety. Variety is the spice of footwear. I always find the perfect shoe to complete the perfect outfit and have shoes for every type of occasion.

My husband puts up with my obsession. In fact for a man, he has a lot of shoes. He does acknowledge this and Thankfully for his own good he rarely comments on my ever growing shoe collection. He knows they make me happy and when I'm happy he's happy. He's a smart man. I do proudly show off my new shoe purchases to him and repeat over and over what a great deal I got. He normally says to me "Don't you already have a pair of shoes like that?" And I retort quickly "They are similar but, these heels are a half inch shorter and have a pretty flower on the ankle..........SEE??" and hubby shakes his head and says "Your right! I should of noticed that " As though it was the most obvious thing. He just says this to appease me. Very smart man

As much as he tries though he doesn't really get it. Men don't understand our fascination with shoes any more than we comprehend their sport stats memory bank, their love for certain cars and their T-shirt they got in that beer case collection. Shoes make women feel good. Shoes can bring life to an old outfit and accentuate individuality. Most men only own a few pairs of shoes. Slippers perhaps for inside the house. Old hack shoes for odd jobs in the back yard. A pair of winter boots and work shoes. Maybe a pair of dress shoes. (You can always tell those because they have cobwebs on them ) That is all they require.
Usually all their shoes are either black or brown. Boring if you ask me. Men
have many other interests but, they are just not into shoes.

They say that it's the little things in life that make us happy in the end. This is true. For me, there are so many little, simple things that bring me pleasure. I don't ask for much except maybe in the words of Ed Sullivan "A REALLY BIG SHOE!"


Sunday, May 08, 2005

Dr Heckle and Mr Snide

So it's a beautiful summer like day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the pervs are out in full force. What is it about a nice day that makes men behave like ...well, men?? Primate men. I am not referring to just glancing at someone. We are all human and can all appreciate an attractive person. Looking is natural. Looking briefly and then looking away is one thing.....the men I am on about in this blog blatantly gawk!

The temperature is decent so people are wearing less. Some men seem to think this is for their entertainment and pleasure. When women see a shirtless man I can assure you beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are not thinking that. They heckle and make snide comments ever so bravely from their car as it speeds on by. I mean do they really think women go for this?? As though we are going to scream back "Wait! Slow down! I want you like no man before you!"
Sorry boys, the only time this will happen will be in a video you can rent and believe me it will be in that back room behind the curtain.

I once saw a man with a mid life crisis sports car and a token blonde in the passenger seat who wasn't his daughter.....but, could of been, smash into the car in front of him because he was too busy looking at the women on the street. His "daughter" smacked him upside the head when it happened. That was the best part. The saddest part is I am so sure he did not learn his lesson. I hope he got a good gander at all the ladies walking down the street. I hope he made it worth denting up his car and upsetting his trophy girlfriend.

Another thing I noticed. The more beautiful the man's wife/girlfriend/companion - the more he looks. I see it all the time. An average at best male with a drop dead female and there he is obviously ogling other women. How is she not good enough? Nothing worse than a man who does this when he is with the significant other. He just makes her an "other" because he squashes the significant part all to heck. It's like by some freak of fate he ended up with this beautiful woman but, he still thinks he can do better. Of course he can! He read it in Penthouse somewhere.
The scum of scum are the men who gawk while they are with their children. There is a word for these kind of men and it is not in the dictionary.

Why is it that men have so much confidence?? I saw a construction man last week leaning against the building he was working on. He looked like he was carrying quintuplets in his white T-shirt that was two sizes two small and his grotesque stomach hanging over his pants. He was giving all the women walking by this deranged come hither stare. Man, he was confident.
I know so many women I consider to be absolutely beautiful and are constantly dieting, cover up at the pool and are constantly criticizing themselves. Why do women do this? If Fat Bastard thinks he's hot why are we always striving for perfection?? Some men think they are all that AND a bag of chips. The truth is - they are the dip. Where do they get this bravado? How is it they think we don't have any standards or morals and would actually give them the time of day?
Is it because in some types of movies the pizza delivery guy always gets it on with the lady (Use that term loosely) of the house?? No names are exchanged, no pizza gets eaten and the pizza delivery boy leaves happy. Do some men actually think we are indeed like these characters??

I personally do not like being leered at by a man. I find it degrading, disgusting and completely unnecessary. I have had people tell me in the past that they notice men stare at me a lot. My response to them is "Yes they do. They also leer at the person before me and the person who walks by after me." They have no specific criteria even though they will try to convince everyone that they are picky and have certain standards......when it comes to girl watching they do not! A hint of leg, a bare neck, a sliver of cleavage - all fair game to them. Believe me I don't feel special nor should you. By the way the higher a man's standards, the more of a loser he is. Intelligent, Experienced, genuine men know that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, colors....a real man would be able to appreciate them all. A loser man with unattainable high standards only has high standards because in his experience, his ideal woman has a staple through her bellybutton. (For those who don't get the reference - she's a centerfold)

Speaking of "girl" watching - older men ogling young girls really bothers me. Young girls for the most part dress to impress young Billy in their chemistry class. These days some young girls dress very revealing in order to get young Billy's attention. Young Billy ain't noticing but, Old Billy (Young Billy's) dad sure is. Young Billy is too busy noticing older girls. Young Billy thinks they are more experienced and mature. Sadly, when Young Billy gets older he too will notice inappropriately younger girls and say with a twinkle in his eye "The girls never looked like that when I was in school"
NEWS FLASH Billy - they did you damn fool. You just didn't notice because you had your eyes on the teachers.

All I am asking for here is a little restraint. I don't get ogled as much as this blog would have you believe. This is not about me, this is about the gawking I see all around me all the time. It doesn't have to happen to me for it to bother me. Men have to realize that the caveman days are long gone. Women vote now. Women work. Women work hard. Women work hard and then go home and cook dinner. Women have even gone to the moon. Women fight in the army. Women give birth. Women raise children by themselves. Women run countries (We'd run all of them if I had my way). Women multi-task. Women are strong. Women are Independent! We've come a long way baby.

All I am asking is before a man openly "checks out" or comments sexually about a woman that he realizes;
1)This could be someone's daughter
2)This may be someone's wife
3) This may be someone's girlfriend
4)It is possible this is someone's mother

Would he want someone staring rudely or talking dirty at his daughter/wife/girlfriend/mother??
I didn't think so.

Sure some women like to be noticed. Most women would never admit this either but, being "appreciated" by a Brad Pitt or say a Orlando Bloom type is always preferred if it need happen. Let's face it that is just not the way it works.

Myself, I don't want to be ogled. I don't want to know what men think about my legs or any other part of my body. I really don't care. There is only one man who I want to see me "in that way" - in any way really and it's my husband. Anyone else just creeps me out. My husband appreciates me. He values me and respects me. All of me.

The next time you see men behaving badly - and you will - just ignore them, put your head high, be proud and smile knowing one thing.

You will never have itchy balls.


Friday, May 06, 2005

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the tv

Reality shows have taken over the television. You cannot run from them. You cannot hide. They are everywhere. I like a few of them but, generally find they are getting stale and predictable. They have to spice them up or get them off the air soon.

Here are some of my ideas for new reality shows:

SURVIVOR - WALMART : Participants must go to walmart on a Saturday mid afternoon when they are having a crazy sale on toilet paper. The first person to get to the toilet paper, get it, bring it to the cash, pay for it and get to their car is the winner. They win the toilet paper. The twist is that you cannot swear, push anyone, bud in line, knock over carts or be rude to the salespeople or other customers. Oh, you mock me now, have you ever been to WALMART on a Saturday afternoon when they are having a sale on toilet paper??

NIP/YUCK : Blooper tapes from Extreme Makeover and The Swan where no matter how much surgery they gave the recipients it just made no difference.

AMERICAN IDLE : Cameras follow around average American people and the only time they actually get off the couch it is to go to McDonalds or the neighbourhood buffet restaurant.

THE DEGRADING RACE : This show is set on the Toronto Subway system. In the middle of morning rush hour. Watch live cameras as people kick, shove and push their way to work.

DESPERATE HOUSEWARES : This show focus's on the lonely lives of the corning ware stuck in the top shelf of the kitchen. The muffin pan that is screaming to be filled. The crock pot growing cobwebs. The coffee maker that hasn't been plugged in for months.
They will tell the sad stories of the families they live with who have discovered the convenience of take out.

THE SIMPLE WIFE : A billionaire has to choose between twelve hick town girls who have no teeth and no education.
He hands out daffodils instead of roses.

AMERICA'S NEXT POP MODEL : Beautiful girls who can sing vie for the title of POP MODEL. In the end nobody cares about their voices..... but, the girl's don't realize that and actually think they can sing.
Simon is no where to be seen but, Paula shows up on the set regularly somewhat disoriented and tries to flirt with the director's sixteen year old son...hmmmm...

SEX AND THE WITTY : Comedians attempt to make various couples laugh while they are.........well, you know.

NEWFIEWEDS : Set in Newfoundland this show documents Newlyweds. Jessica Simpson is deemed to be intelligent after this airs.

EVERYBODY LOVES GAY MEN : Straight girls talk candidly about why they love to hang out with gay men. Perks such as having a fantastic dance partner who doesn't want to grope you and will tell you that you have lipstick on your teeth and your bum does look big in that skirt are discussed.

OPRAH WIN FREE : Regular everyday women fight in a vat of mud for free Oprah Winfrey tickets. Dr Phil judges who the winner is and analyzes what sick psychosis they obviously have since they are willing to do this on national television. After the show everyone has fresh salmon sprinkled with dill and works out with their personal trainer.

THE APPRENT-ASS : Corporate fools lie on their resumes, stab each other in the back and put on fake personalities in order to work for a multi - millionaire with bad hair and a hot wife.
It's been done?
Crap, that was my idea!


Thursday, May 05, 2005

Busy is just an illusion

Two years ago the company I work for was purchased by another company. Both companies shall remain nameless in this particular blog however, I can assure you they have both been called many, many types of names. (If you know what I mean) When we first were bought hundreds of people were laid off. They continued to lay people off in droves and now most of the transition is complete so I now have an end date of June 30th. When the company took over, I was suppose to lose my job immediately but, there were several twists of fate and I ended up in a role that nobody else wanted. I coordinate the pick up of equipment for the "exiting" employees and have been for two years.

At first, the job was interesting, exciting, challenging and allowed me to create my own procedures, processes and databases. I was busy, my mind was buzzing, I was important! Boy, have things changed.
I don't know how long it's been......but, for a long while now my work load has completely dwindled down to almost nothing. After all, I only have work to do if they actually lay someone off. When I do actually get something to do I have so completely mastered my skill that I complete my work in 45 minutes tops. Oh what to do with the other 7 hours and fifteen minutes???

Understand I work in a secluded part of the building in a desk in the far back corner. Nobody really sees me come, nobody sees me go, nobody knows nada.
Remember George Constanza of Seinfeld? Well, let me tell you.....after what I have been through he ain't got nothing on me!

So, if you are ever in my shoes here are my tips for "APPEARING AS THOUGH YOU HAVE ALOT TO DO WHEN YOU REALLY DON'T"

1) Bring an extra jacket to work and hang it on your coat hook or on the back of your chair- that way when you sneak out early or come in late it will look like you just stepped away for a moment. This works especially well if you have two jackets that are the same. One you wear and the other used as the "decoy".

2) Keep an empty coffee cup in your desk cupboard. Every night or should I say early afternoon - when you leave for the day, put the empty coffee cup ON your desk. This will cover your butt for when you come waltzing in the next morning at 11. This will only work if this is a take out coffee cup with a lid on it. If someone should happen to come to your desk in the morning they will think once again that you "stepped away". You know you are really good when you switch up the lids and mark them with various different shades of lipstick.
Oh and leaving a half eaten carrot or yogurt is good too. Looks like you are coming back. Note: Don't use an apple or anything that will turn brownish when you're gone too long. Dead give away.

3) Always look confused, worried or upset. A person who does squat at work never would show any of these emotions. People will think you have a big deadline coming up or that you were given a difficult assignment. They won't want to approach you or bog you down with any more work which means more time at the mall.

4) Swear at and kick the photocopier when you see someone coming. They won't know you saw them coming nor will they know you aren't even copying anything....well, anything work related.

5) If you have a personal printer (Which I do) on your desk print as often as possible. If someone comes to see you or walks by it makes them think you have alot on the go. And ofcourse you do! That 700 page cookbook you are making with the help of the internet and some acquired office supplies takes effort!!

6) If your work has a gym like mine does utilize it as much as you can. Once you can bounce quarters off your butt, you can stop going to they gym...BUT! You can still keep your gym bag, water bottle, walkman at your desk. That way when you need to slip out for a much needed manicure people will just think you are at the gym.
Aren't you so dedicated? All the other girls at the office will hate you for your willpower and quarter bouncing butt which means they will stay away from your desk also and not call you. BONUS!

7) If you are suppose to be at work for 9:00 - Set your alarm for 8:45 and before you take a shower call work. Dial into your voice mail and change your message for the current date. Say you are in the office but, not available blah, blah blah. That way you don't need to worry about someone calling you early when you are not there and hearing yesterday's message. This way it even appears as though you are there bright and early like the keen little employee you are!

8) Speaking of voice mail.....make if you leave early or want to get out for a few hours during the day that you reflect that in your voice mail. It covers your butt. For example "I will in be a meeting from 9 to eleven" (gets you in late) and " Then again in another meeting from 2-4 (You leave at two) You cover your ground and people don't dare leave a voice mail - afterall, you are busy in all these important meetings!

9) Further to number 8 - ALWAYS remember that if you say you are in a meeting you should ensure this "meeting" is also in your email calendar. Just incase anyone checks. You should write things like MEETING TO DISCUSS THE P.E.D.D.M - it sounds official and impossible to decipher. Nobody will try to either. You appear organized with knack for acronyms. Other items to put in your calendar should you need some time away are :
DOCTORS APPNT - RESULTS (Sounds serious, nobody will question you)
MARITAL COUNSELLING APPNT (They won't dare mention it but, they will all be talking about you until Kingdom're leaving soon ....who cares?)
CHARITY COMMITTEE MEETING AT CHURCH (They'll let it're just so sweet!)
GO TO MALL TO BUY BOSS PRESENT (Trust me, only use this one in desperate times and if your boss checks you must produce a gift. The gift should be for no other occasion but, "Just because" Oh, and an apple is a nice additional touch)

10) If you surf the internet as much as I do always have at least six other files open at the same time. If someone suddenly comes up behind you and you close the web window really quick...and it's the only window you have open.....they are going to know you are doing something non work related. So have an excel sheet open, a word program open with half a letter created, your work email , a company related document, you get the picture. When you have to click out suddenly, with all those icons on the bottom they won't know what you're up to. If people come up behind you frequently you may want to install a small mirror on the right top corner of your monitor. You will see them coming in advance. They will just think you are vain. Again, you are leaving soon, let them think what they want.

I know this all sounds like fun and yes, it was for a while but, I am seriously losing my mind. My brain is shrinking. I need to use it. I want to work!!! I want to make a difference.
There is only so much web surfing I can do, money I can spend at the mall on items I don't need, books I can read at my desk......I mean it is time to go! I have always been a hardworking and dedicated employee. I am afraid of what is happening to me. I need to be creative, to document things, to express my opinion and have a purpose.
This my friends is why I love to blog. Enjoy them while you can because one day I will get a real job where they will actually expect me to work for my money. These blogs may be few and far between.

My future is before me now. I am excited about a new job, a change, a new beginning.
I promise to be the best employee I can possibly be.

Just not now.


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Linda for Prime Minister!!

I was one of the thousands of viewers who watched Paul Martin's painful attempt to address Canadians about the sponsership scandal last week. I thought it was pathetic. This man is running our country. His public relations people thought they were so smart to stick a photo of Paul and the Mrs in the corner of the room. What that suppose to reinforce him as an honest family man??? Ha! I found that to be the single most insulting thing about his speech. That picture to me was so distracting. It bothered me because they really think that we as Canadians are that stupid. That they can play with our emotions and convince us so easily. I also was embarassed that our country is being run by an old, blood vessel blotch faced man who not only didn't write his own speech but, appeared to be reading it for the first time. As soon as the six minute address was over I turned to my husband and said "I can do a better job than this clown of running this country!"

What would be the most important items on my agenda?
Glad you asked.

1)Healthcare - This would be the first item I would address. It is so wrong when so many people need healthcare and so many beds are empty. It is wrong when the people we should be holding in the highest esteem - our doctors, our nurses, our interns, our specialists, our health professionals are not funded properly nor given the proper tools and resources they need to do what they were trained to do. It is near to impossible to find a doctor in this city if you don't already have one. People are being diagnosed with life threatening illnesses too little too late because they can't get to the specialist fast enough. Waiting lists are too long and too plentiful. This needs our immediate attention!

2) Criminal Punishment - I am proud of our police force and think they do a great job on the most part but, our justice system could certainly use some fine tuning. Pediophiles are let back into the system and they are still sick demented bastards ready to strike again. People are here from other countries because their own country of birth will not let them back due to an extensive criminal record but, hey WELCOME TO CANADA......What do you need? We'll give it to you.
Not on my clock honey. Prison time will be done and it will be as bad and as ugly as the crime committed if not worse. There will be no T.V, no cigarettes, no alcohol, no magazines, no visits from anybody, no books. IT WILL BE PRISON. You will work, clean, eat, shit and go to sleep praying you get out early for good behavior. How can we expect people to be reformed for henious crimes if jail life offers more than street life does??

3) Homeless People - I work downtown. Maybe I am desensitized. I am sure a handful of these people besides the ones with real mental issues truly do need help but, I am sorry the majority do not. How do you really know? When they say they want money for food and you offer to buy them something to eat and they tell you to screw off.....they ain't that hungry honey.
We need to do something about the people who harass the hard working people who get up every morning to possibly go do a job they don't like but, need to in order to survive (Gee what a concept)
As Prime Minister I would deal with this problem by funding the shelters and the organizations that help these people to get off the street. As for the remaining people who are starving but, have alcohol, cigarettes and their hair dyed every shade of Miss Clairol there is.......they will be fined every time they harass the hard working people who pay taxes.

4) Dogs will be allowed in public places such as shopping malls, drug stores, the post office ....anywhere where food is not being served openly. They should all be leashed or held by their mommies unless they are really well trained. In fact dogs should be allowed anywhere little badly behaved children are. The dogs will win out every time.

5)Unless a man has a set of six pack abs comparable to Justin Timberlake it shall be illegal for him to ever go topless in public. Should he be flashing his gut, This will entail a big fat fine or prison time (see reference to prison above) Women ofcourse will be allowed to go topless as per the current law and as per the current law no women in their right mind will do so because the majority of men in Toronto already look at women like they are naked anyhow. Why fuel the dull fire??

6)Tampons/Pads/pantyliners/midol/advil/motrine - anything related to "womanly woes" will be free. Why should we continue to have to pay because Adam was stupid enough to eat that apple??

7) Gay marriage would be A ok with me. Most of the people who are dead against it seem to be fine with shows like "The Bachelor" where hetersexual people who barely know each other get married.....stats show that 50% of heterosexuals get divorced so let the homosexuals have a chance. They might get it right!!

8) Legalize Pot?? Hmm.... if you have a doctor's note saying it helps your illness and is for medicinal purposes.....go for it. I would be afraid to legalize pot for everyone however. I think pot is like alcohol in the sense that what happens to one person after two drinks may not have the effect of another person who has two drinks. My concern here is people driving under the influence. It is after all an altered state and how would the police be able to tell? People in Toronto can't drive as it is, to have them driving high, eating chips, licorice, peanuts and cookies at the same time just can't be safe.

9) I would however legalize prostitution. I think that way we may be able to have a little more control over it. Put a red light district in a secluded area away from schools, offices and the general public. Keep health records on all the girls, the johns, make sure everybody is safe and healthy. Hey, it is going to happen regardless of what we all think of it. So at least let's try and get it controlled to a place where children don't have to be subjected to it in their neighbourhood and the women who obviously feel they have no other option are safe. And make them all pay taxes! The girls, the johns, all of them. Why should they get a free ride?? (So to speak?)

10) Last and certainly not least we must do something about immigration in this country. Did you know we have the mastermind terrorist behind an alleged planned bombing in the Paris subway living in Montreal?? That's right folks! He is our neighbour. How safe do you feel right now?? It saddens me that siblings are torn from their parents who are sent back to countries where their lives are in danger but, the terrorists and criminals are welcome here. Too many people fall through the cracks. Canada needs to be on it's toes. All the time.

Vote for me. I'm young(ish), fun, passionate, have a vision and will work for shoes.


Monday, May 02, 2005

May/December Romances

This blog was inspired by two things. First of all the Tom Cruise (42) dating Katie Holmes (26) story that is everywhere. Secondly, a friend of mine who is 38 recently started dating a 31 year old and asked me if I thought she was a cougar.
My response to her? "My husband Steve is seven years older than me and nobody calls him any kind of animal names"

Our society has such a double standard when it comes to this topic. Read any magazine on the stands. They will even point out the woman is older if it is by one year!! Oooh, the shock of it all. I completely understand why a younger man would go for an older woman. Not only because I am getting up there but, women these days are taking such good care of their skin, their hair, their bodies and themselves in general. Fifty is the new Thirty. Most of my single friends do date younger men. No, not because of the popular belief that they go out trolling for them, the boys come to them. They seek them out. Most of the time the guy has no idea how much older my friend actually is. Older women also know what they want and how they want it done. They are comfortable with themselves and don't sweat the small stuff. They know how to enjoy life. They are independent and are proud of their laugh lines, crow's feet and cellulite. It was all earned and they aren't ashamed of it. This confidence is very attractive to men and most younger women lack this quality that truly is acquired over time. My friends who date younger men also tell me that men their age simply do not have the energy or interests that they possess. The men their age or older are set in their ways and narrow minded. They have much more baggage than their younger counterparts. (And it ain't no Louis Vitton baggage) Please understand that my lady friends are not robbing the cradle or anything silly like that - these men are younger period. Some are a five year difference, some a fifteen year difference. And yes it is not all bliss. Many of them see the downside of their younger men - irresponsible, unreliable, emotionally unavailable... then I gently remind them that older men possess these qualities too and if you are going to play mind games with someone it is always better for them to have firmer skin and solid abs - (kidding).

When I see an older women with a younger man I think "You go girl!" However, when I see an older man with a MUCH younger woman or girl......I want to snicker or say under my breath "Yeah buddy, your money has nothing to do with it!" - Who am I to judge? Maybe that eighteen year old 34DD blonde really does love that fifty six year old man?? I mean look at Anna Nicole Smith! Now, that was love until the old fart's ticker gave out. Ok, so I am being extreme here but, it just seems so much more acceptable when it is a younger woman and older man. It shouldn't be that way. And know that I am not against an older man and younger woman at all. I just want it to stop being MORE acceptable than the reverse. Love and let love I say. In fact, I understand also how a woman can find a moderately older man attractive also. In my experience they are wise, experienced in life and treat a lady like a lady. I find older men attractive in so many ways. The salt and pepper thing just doesn't work as well on a woman. It's true. Men are like wine. With age they get better. Another reason I can understand why so many young women are going for older men.....have you seen how these young guys dress? Their pants are hanging to their knees. They look like gangsters who took a big dump in their pants!!! That is so attractive - NOT!! No wonder the young girls are shacking up with forty year olds!! Besides, the young girls are having a hard time landing the young guys......all the hot older women have them!!!!


Sunday, May 01, 2005

Walking Miss Chelsea

My dog's name is Chelsea. Don't tell her I told you. No, not her name part but, the fact that she is a dog. She certainly doesn't think she is a dog.
But, then again why should she? She certainly doesn't get treated as a mere dog. She has her own closet, a room dedicated to her complete with a daybed which she loves lying on and half the cupboards in the kitchen are filled with her food and treats.
Chelsea loves food. She loves children. She loves people watching and she loves her walks!

I used to take her for a bunch of mini walks throughout the day but, now that the weather has agreed for the most part, we go out every day (yes, rain or shine) for at the very least 60 mins. It is great excercise for both of us and it is one of my favorite times of the day.

Chelsea loves her walks as I said. Chelsea and mama (That is me) Actually, if you really must know I refer to myself as Mama Love because I am the mother of Love when it comes to my pooch. My husband laughs everytime he hears me refer to myself as Mama Love. He says he can't get the image of a madame from the 70's with an afro who deals drugs on the side.....out of his head whenever I call myself Mama Love.

Anyways, Chelsea gets so excited when she sees Mama Love putting on her walking outfit - yes, I have certain items I wear for our walks - and when she sees my running shoes, she does a spin of glee and waits by the door for me. I prepare by grabbing my cell phone (You never know when you are on your travels and remember a juicy bit of gossip you forgot to share.....oh and OFCOURSE for safety reasons..) I grab a couple of pooper scooper bags (I used to bring only one and learned my lesson the hard way that sometimes you need four - don't ask) and I grab Chelsea's purple leash, hook her up and away we go.

Chelsea struts out of the house. That's right. She seems to think the entire planet is here for her enjoyment so she is letting the world know she is ready for them. She is a decent walker whereas she will heel right in stride with me behaving very nicely and keeping a great pace until.......yikes.......teenage girls. With high pitch squealy voices. Chelsea just goes nuts for teenage girls. Especially when they notice her and shriek to high heaven "OH MY GOD! LIKE, LOOK AT THE PUPPY! IT'S LIKE SO CUTE YA KNOW??" - Once that moment happens, yes, it happens alot, I have lost all control. Chelsea is hurling herself at them, choking herself on her leash, gagging for air and hacking to death. Then the people look at me like "What's your problem? Why can't you control your dog". The solution to this is simply for me to pick up Chelsea and she scratches the hell out of my arm trying to fling herself at the teenage girls.
All around she is pretty good though and it only happens when we see teenage girls, small children, big children, some adults, select senior citizens and two handfuls of neighbours. Otherwise, she is pretty calm......really.

I like to take Chelsea to the cemetary. There is a rather large one near my house. I find it very peaceful, beautifully filled with flowers and usually there is nobody around so she walks very nicely. The best part is that no dogs are allowed in the cemetary unless they are on a leash. I refuse to go to a park with her because people let their dogs run wild. I love my dog to death but, this does not mean I love other people's dogs. Sometimes they jump on her, look like they want to hurt her or worse hump her and I really am sick of watching people ignore what their dogs are doing or asking me why I don't let Chelsea off her leash to play with the other dogs.
I will not let Chelsea off leash. Ever. It is not because I don't want to let go, ok, it is some of that but, it is simply for her safety. She runs in our fenced in backyard. When I call her to come inside half the time she listens and the other half of the time she runs away from me refusing to come in. Why would she listen to me in a park full of people, dogs, kids and other distractions? Precisely! She wouldn't. Chelsea also apparently has no fear of cars whatsoever. She doesn't chase them or anything silly like that but, she doesn't understand that they can kill her. Out of pure excitement she would run into a street and not care there was a car coming nor would she even notice.

You'd think being a dog she would go crazy for squirrels. Nope. Something else she doesn't notice. Sometimes she does see them but, she can't be bothered. I don't know if it's because she is scared of them or because she is too lazy. Probably the latter. Sometimes she will react to a bird but, once in the cemetary she kind of darted towards some geese and then got scared when they fluttered their feathers. Since then she could care less.
(On a side note I once saw a goose go ballistic on a child at Centre Island and coincidentally one of my sisters and I got into a fight on the fake swan ride at Centre Island years ago .... I am not very partial to birds at all)
Cats however, really get Chelsea's attention. She tries her damndest to get to them and chokes herself to the point that I have to pick her up again. She then cries like this high pitch wail - as though I am keeping her apart from her lover or something. I am pretty sure Chelsea wants to be with a cat. I know it sounds crazy but, she wants to be with a female cat too. I just know this ok? I don't understand her fascination with cats. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

The whole purpose of Chelsea's walk is to get her some excercise. ( I know, I know, I keep picking her up but, hey, have you seen my biceps lately?? Linda Hamilton from the TERMINATOR look out missy)
Secondly, Miss Chelsea always sleeps very well after we go for a long walk and she will sleep through the night which means we will ALL sleep through the night. (Yes ofcourse she sleeps with us......don't tell me you're surprised?)
The third purpose is for Chelsea to poop. (For this I am grateful I have a small dog. Small dog equals small poop - also having a small dog is a bonus for when you have to keep lifting her up) Alas, an overload of treats or an unidentified object doesn't mean a smooth poop, it is almost always small and easy to pick up. I know, you are so glad I am sharing this. I'll move on soon. I promise. Chelsea, like many humans who would not dare admit it, likes to examine her "package" once she has delivered it. Normally she looks quite proud at it and prances on. Luckily for me she does not eat it. Some dogs do that. Nasty. Chelsea ate geese poop once but, she is not deranged enough to eat her own. (Whew!) And for something so small, let me tell you the reek...ok I won't go there.

Speaking of reek she had gas last night. I don't care who thinks so and so has the worst smelling farts.......My little 12lb dog will put them to shame! I am not kidding. She must of ate something nuclear. She could take out a small country........ok, I am sorry. Enough.

I enjoy and benefit from our walks as much as Chelsea does. So I don't drool all over at the thought of them or relieve myself on public property (Well, not lately) But, the walks give me energy, help me to enjoy the weather, learn about the neighbourhood, clear my mind and appreciate this beautiful earth God has given us to thrive on.

Maybe it's the other way around.......Maybe Chelsea takes Mama Love for walks......