The Story of My Life
The weirdest thing happened the other day. For some reason, out of nowhere, I started to wonder ....who would play me in a movie about my life. I know, it's not like it is ever going to happen but, one should be prepared for this if it did.
I have afterall lead quite an interesting life. The middle child (three older and three younger) of two portuguese immigrants who was raised to be scared shitless most of the time and rest of the times trying to figure out how to unscrew the lock on the room with the good food in it.....yes, yes, they locked up the good food (That's another blog trust me) I ran away when I was 16 and surprised everyone because all in all I was a quiet girl who obeyed everyone and got great marks. In fact I was the validictorian at my grade eight graduation and which nobody in my family came to (Oh! Can you hear those violins playing now?) I lived in a lot of places with a lot of different people over the years and saw things most of you only thought existed on late night television. (Hey, I am not bragging, believe me) I have done just about every job imaginable from bartending to bug exterminating (No, I was actually just the dispatcher but, it sounds more exciting if you actually think I was killing the bugs doesn't it?) I also dated a variety of losers and then one day at twenty eight got married, divorced a year later, broke my parent's hearts and moved on to meet my current hubby who I live happily with along with our precious pooch Chelsea.
(I know it is totally the Readers Digest version but, all the filler would be in the movie.)
So, back to the burning question. Who would play me?? I would say as a child I would get a lovely little curly haired mulato looking girl - I know I am not mulato but, I always wanted to be. As a teenager I am thinking Fefe Dobson.....that Canadian Singer. I know, I know, she is black but, it would go with the mulato theme and I like her tough look. That was my tough look stage, or so I though so .......it would work. Or maybe Kelly Osbourne. She seems angry at the world.
I figure since I am only 36 - or am I 37?? The same actress who plays me in my 20's could also play me in my 30's.......so here are my picks. (Not in any particular order)
1) Salma Hayak.....she has dark features and so do I. She smokes alot in real life and so did I in my 20's so the scenes would be bearable for her. If I stopped getting my eyebrow waxed for a month I would rival that FRIDA eyebrow for sure. She would have to work on getting rid of that accent though or I would have to become fluent in Spanish. It isn't looking good for me becoming fluent in Spanish anytime soon.
2) Lauren Graham (the mother on the Gilmore Girls) - For some reason, people I don't know tell me I look like her quite often. I don't see the resemblence at all but, I guess it could be worse. I could be stalked by Michael Jackson fans so I will take the Lauren Graham as a compliment. Besides that, there is no other reason I would pick her except well, if you are casting someone to play you - you may as well pick someone much slimmer than yourself...so yes, I pick her.
3) Fran Drescher - The Nanny fame....only because she is loud and I figure she would be great in the scenes with my family. The louder the better.
4) Kirstie Ally - Someone has to be able to withstand all the family get togethers and weddings that will be in this movie. Lots of food. Mounds and mounds of it in fact. Kirstie's my girl. Big or small, I love Kirstie.
5) Pamela Anderson. She would do my running on the beach stage. When I was a lifeguard.
Ok, so I was never a lifeguard , I can't even swim. The only time you would ever catch me running on a beach is if I was being chased by a pack of hungry wolves.Forget Pamela.
6) Princess Stephanie of Monocco. As long as I remember this girl has always been a rebel. She has broken every rule and never apologized for anything. Her father was embarassed by her actions and her family has never understood the decisions she made. She is the black sheep exemplified. .... BAAAAAAA BAaaaa ABAAAAAA! Talk to me sister!
7) Jennifer Lopez. Not for the acting part.....she is a horrible actress ..... I just need her ass to be my body double. (For all those scenes when I am walking away.......leaving home, leaving my first husband, quitting my jobs.......you know - JLO will be busy)
8) Eva Longoria - (Desperate Housewives)
I know, she is shorter, smaller and much more beautiful than me it is a tv movie and everyone else gets a prettier, skinnier person to play them so why can't I? It's not like I am casting a supermodel here and let's face it - I could (Oh stop your snickering!)
9) Johnny Depp's Wife...not sure of her name -she is a french actress........nothing to do with her, I just want to ensure he is at the premiere. (Mental note to put him at my table too) Her invitation will somehow get lost in the mail. Ooops
10) Oprah Winfrey. Oprah rocks. Oprah is a good person who always does the right thing. She is good hearted, successful and funny.
Also, she would bring in the ratings for sure!!
Yes, I know she is black but, remember the mulato child... it all makes perfect sense.
Last but, certainly not least.........MOI. All I need is a hair and makeup person , a couple of acting lessons and some botox. I am set. Besides, nobody knows me like I do .......
CUZ I SAID SO!